Life after narcissistic abuse
Life after narcissistic abuse was scary. Was I capable of doing this alone? How the hell was I in this position? I don’t feel an adult myself let alone able to look after two beautiful creatures who relied on me. I had to stop worrying and start thinking I couldn’t do it. I had to do it and I was going to be the best mum I could.
I was working 3 days a week after recently qualifying as a solicitor. It was damned hard. I had a family friend who looked after them both one day a week and the other 2 days they went to nursery. It used to rip my heart out dropping them off at nursery. My Son used to cry when I left him, but when I used to ring to check he was ok when I got to work he was fine. It still didn’t help me stop worrying. Being an overthinker made the situation so muc( worse.
My ex still had a key to the house and used to turn up when ever he wanted. I used to come home from work and found he had been in the shower, towels would be dropped on the floor in the bathroom. He used to open food in my fridge and close the lid and when I went to eat it, it would be off. I don’t know what his game was. It was like he was still controlling me without him still being there. After a few moths I realised I needed to buy myself another house that was mine and where I could move on.
The move happened quicker than I thought it would as he used to turn up at night drunk and I would find him asleep in the house when I got up in the morning. Once I moved out I could really start again. That didn’t stop the nasty and abusive messages that I constantly got. Sometimes he was charming and it made me think it was me who was in the wrong and when he lured me in the abuse started again.he liked to control my mind and make me believe that I was the crazy one and he was a well liked and controlled individual.
I never was able to move on for long as with a lot of break ups where no children are involved it was a clean break and you could cut your ex out of your life. I had to contact him regarding the children. He had to come to parents evening and Be involved with their lives. He was their Dad after all. I wasn’t the type of parent who denied the Dad access to their children and he did love them. Parents evening was a nightmare. I am quite articulate and can talk well to teachers and other people. He seemed to like to make me look stupid in public. He bigged himself up, lie about what he did for the children and what I didn’t do for the children. I ended up like a gibbering unstable wreck by the end of it.
For many years I saw myself as a bad parent, I used to compare myself to other mothers in the school yard. I had a kind or paranoia. It was probably a mixture of my overthinking and constantly being told I wasn’t good enough. This will never leave me. Deep down I know it’s wrong, but I still feel inferior. He also didn’t support me with the children and bad mouthed me to them constantly. I have tried to raise my children without calling their Dad which I wish had been reciprocated. I think he has brainwashed them to believe that he has been an amazing parent, paid for lots of things. Which wasn’t true. He paid the bare minimum. I have been told that they will find out what he is like in the end. I believe my Son knows the truth, but not my daughter and that makes me very sad. I did go to cognitive behavioural therapy ansd that has really helped me.
Once I get set up in my own home I wanted to meet a new partner and live happily ever after. Unfortunately I wasn’t mentally ready and I had a few dates and then decided I needed to concentrate on my children. Which I did for 6 years. I did have a couple of long term boyfriends after, but they had their own problems and they weren’t fruitful relationships. The last one was very similar to my ex. Very controlling, and he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him. I went out of my way to please him at all times even if it was at a detriment to me. I always felt on edge and it was a horrible feeling.
Luckily I have now met someone who accepts insecurities and makes me feel amazing and supports me in every decision I make. This is what love is and he tells me every day lots of times. Being a boyfriend of an overthinker and from an abusive previous relationship isn’t easy. I drive him mad, but he reassures me and makes me feel comfortable and secure. There is life after being with a narcissist and there is hope