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An over thinkers guide to life, Puggles, family and so much more

Overthinking is a nightmare. Due to a back operation I have too much time on my hands and too much time to think. This is how I deal with it and survive

Tag: stress (Page 1 of 7)

Daily diary – the puppies arrival is imminent

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There is great excitement in our house. We think the puppies will be here any day. Lily has milk so that is a sign she will be a new mum soon. It’s a nerve racking time. My partner is really stressed with it. I think he is reading up on it too much. He has bought a heat mat today and said that the nursery ( as he calls it) needs to be a 30 degrees. I even caught him putting the heater on yesterday. God knows why. I am not heating the room to 30 degrees when there are no puppies.

He was even up at 6.30 this morning stressing and I have a feeling he will want to sleep down there tonight. I am more calm about this. Maybe it’s cause I am a mum or the fact my cat has kittens a few years ago while I was out. Now that was stressful as I came home to a kitten on my daughters floor with no sign of the cat. I wrapped it in a towel and eventually found the cat in my sons wardorbe with 6 more kittens,

I will update you daily on the puppy situation and fingers crossed we have some good news soon.

I am still working half days which is good and seeing my consultant on Thursday. I have been in agony since yesterday after I picked 4 files up off the floor stupidly. So going for a lie down. I have now found a new old love for Cagney and Lacey, I used to watch it as a teenager and there are re runs at 2.15 on channel 5.

Speak to you soon.
Xxxxx



Daily dairy – tell me why I don’t like mondays

Hello

I didn’t do much this weekend.  It flew though it’s soon Monday.  I am still doing half days and I am glad at the moment.

Just had a load of abuse from my daughter and ex. She wants money from me again and I said no and got a load of abuse. When will I learn that neither of them will ever change and I am now in tears again,  how the hell have I raised such a nasty spoilt person? Why do I let them both do this to me? Then let them blame everything on me and make me feel like I am the worst person in the world. He tells me that his life has changed dramatically since he has had his daughter.  That I have dumped her on him.  I have abandoned her.

I really couldn’t take any more.  Why do I have to put up with all this abuse ? My son doesn’t behave this way.  He is her Dad why should I have her ? I have put my life on hold for 16 years and because I love her. I still do very very much but I have more respect in myself than be treated like this.  I have done it for years.  Been verbally, mentally abused.  Told how rubbish I am at everything,  Am I a bad person because I have decided enough is enough?

I am a good mum.  I care very much and love very deeply.  I am a good person and always try to help and be as kind as I can to everyone,  I have my faults but I am not the person that they both say I am.  They have the problem not me,

Sorry  for my rambling but I am very hurt yet again.  I am not sending any more messages or contacting them again,

Daily diary- we have made a nursery

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Hello

It’s been a busy day today. I went back to work. I was dreading it but it couldn’t have gone any better. Everyone was really pleased to see me back. No one had an issue with me being off and even the bitchiest woman there even seemed pleased to see me. I also got a hug off two people. All the worrying that I have done over the months have been for nothing. Overthinking and worrying waste energy and make you feel terrible. In future I am not going to overthink and worry so much. If you believe that you believe anything.

My back doesn’t feel great tonight. I could hardly move my leg, which is worrying. I will just have to grin and bare it until I see the specialist next week. I can then speak to him and see if this is normal and exactly what they did in the operation. I am concerned that the operation hasn’t worked. I don’t want to go through this again.

Tonight we have cleared out our junk room and made it into a puppy nursery. We need to get a new bed for lily and and a baby gate at the door so we can split lily and Bailey up if need be. Bailey has been a little monkey tonight. We have a cat door stop and he has chewed the ear off and keeps running off with it. I have ordered a Puggle one off amazon and will take a photo of it when it comes it’s so cute. The dogs are tired out now. Saying that so am I so I am off to bed.

Good night.



Living to please others

In the past this is how I lived my life. In past relationships I felt I had to please them and it got me down. I also used to be like that with my children. Especially my daughter. During my last relationship I felt that I was the only one who tried in the family. It was hard to please everyone and it really got me down. It was an impossible situation.

It’s amazing how now I don’t have to try and be like that anymore. My partner is amazing and we just get on. There is no effort. Also my son is a caring person. He has no agenda and we all life in harmony. After so much shit for so many years life is brilliant and if I can do it so can you.

Remember it’s impossible to please everyone all the time you tire yourself out and are miserable.

Suicide

Daily diary – I’m down but I am not out

5A8459EB-61BF-4ED2-AA66-9CFC1A0E5C8E.jpegHello. It would be so easy to slip into the depths of depression today and it has got me down the situation with my daughter. I lay in bed last night with my head spinning. Do you ever have so much going round your head that it spins. You can’t think straight? I feel like that in times of stress.

Today I woke up feeling a bit better.  Had a lazy day, luckily my work friends have decided we should go out for tea.  It’s been nice and I have felt good tonight.  It’s will be good to get back to work to have some sense of normality. I still want to win the lottery though.

My daughter hasn’t messaged me at all today, she has messaged my son calling me all names under the son,  he wasn’t having any of it and has been sticking up for me.  He was supposed to go to his Dads tonight but has said he isn’t going because of my daughters attitude,  He has really stuck up for me and I really appreciate it,

Right I am off.  Good night xxxxxx

Daily diary – I love you but don’t like you very much

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I am sure I have used this saying before. This is exactly how I feel at the moment. Me and my daughter have had a massive fall out again. The sad thing is it t took all of her being at my house for 10 minutes. I have always has massive issues with her when she is on her period. I have taken her to the doctors and he prescribed the contraception pill. It did seem to help her hormones, but she won’t take it and comes up with excuse after excuse not to take it. I am not saying it’s the answer to our problems but it certainly helps.

Anyway she decided she wanted to come tonight. I was looking forward to seeing her and she turned up mid afternoon. The door flew open and she nearly knocked the mirror off the wall. She walked in with a terrible attitude. I made a flippant remark asking what she had done to her phone as it is broken again. Thor was all I said and she absolutely flew off the handle and said she always hated me and still did and kicked the table into me bruising my leg. I am not taking this abuse anymore anymore so I told her to go home. It went from bad to worse. She told me she hated me and used a few things her Dad used to say over the years. I had to lock her out of the house and tell her to go as she said she was going to clatter me. I had to let her back in as she nearly broke the door and was swearing down th3 street. Ebertone could hear. She also said I have no friends because no one likes me. She also said I would loose my son too as he hates me too and lots more abuse.
I got her grandma to pick her up and then got a load of abuse from her Dad. He said I should put up with it as she is on her period.

I don’t care what time of the month it is but I am not taking physical and verbal abuse. She was saying many narcissist things which have come from her Dad. She carried on abusing me by text and I told her not to contact me until she learns some respect. Narcissists have a knack of blaming everything on you and I really believe that they believe this. I now feel very sad, low and upset. She has made me feel useless and very down.

I don’t know where we can go from here. I need to leave her to it as I can’t cope with the hurt and the nastiness and blame. Sorry for the down diary. It’s just been a bad o e. Roll on tomorrow bye xxx

Stress and anxiety

I used to live my life trying to please others and it made me feel terrible. It was an impossible situation. Especially with my children and previous boyfriends. I said I felt in the middle and I was the only person who tried and cared. It literally made me feel physically ill. I am not as bad these days but I still have this at the back of my head.

Please yourself, make yourself be happy

Daily diary – anxious

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I have felt really anxious today and can’t put my finger on it. There are a number of reasons. The first one is I have had work ringing me asking me about some files of mine. Nothing to worry about and also an Estate Agent wanting to know when I am back at work. It’s becoming too real now. I have over 2 weeks left and I can’t worry till I go back. I need to try and put it at the back of my mind.

Secondly, my daughter is coming to stay for a few nights. I am worried she will come back with a cocky attitude and we will go back to square one. I am worried that we will argue and it will put strain on my boyfriend and son. As things have been good and we can’t go back to how things have been with my daughter. P

Been out in the car today.  Not gone too far but it’s been ok. So that’s moving forward too.

My Son

last night made me laugh I shouted him into my room before bed I said “good night I hope you sleep ok and I love you”.  He said “oh my god what the hell did you say that for”. My little boy has definitely grown up. He doesn’t like pleasantries anymore.

Its a short one tonight as I am tired and need to go to sleep. Good night speak tomorrow xxxx



Life with a overthinking brain

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I hate my over thinking brain.  Hate is a strong word, but I really do hate it.  It gives me a great deal of stress and worry and often gives me sleepless nights.  It has made me overthink about writing this post about overthinking.

My brain is always busy and working overtime.  Sometimes I ask my boyfriend “what are you thinking about?”.  He sometimes says “Nothing”.  I say to him “you can’t think about nothing, you must be thinking of simething, as you think all the time”.  That then causes me to overthink.  I think, is he thinking about someone else and won’t tell me? Is he bored and won’t tell me? Is he unhappy and thinking about that? That causes me to worry and overthink more.  It’s like a vicious circle and it never ends. I often wonder whether you can actually think about nothing and if so that would be amazing.

When I am not thinking about something to worry about I think of stupid things for example, I see an aeroplane flying overhead and I think, I wonder where they are going on the plane and can imagine people sitting on the plane getting excited about going on holiday.  Or do penguins have knees?  Is this healthy? Is it good to have an intuitive mind? I really don’t know the answer to those questions.

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It must be very hard to have a relationship with an overthinker, as they have to deal with a barrage of questions all the time.  My boyfriend has the patience of a saint.  My issues aren’t just overthinking, they are also massive trust issues and almost definitely stem from my relationship with a narcissist.

I do not have any recollection as to when I started as an overthinker.  I am not sure whether I have always been like this.  I certainly don’t remember being like this in my teens or early 20’s.  Maybe it started after living with a narcissist and almost certainly it made me feel worse after this. I think I am so worried in a relationship that I have upset my partner that I am on edge and worry that he will be mad at me for my actions.  Being with a supportive partner has made me feel better but I have no way of controlling this.

It doesn’t just stop at me overthinking about relationships.  I worry about money, my family and work. I am also lucky to have a supportive work family as they also know how to handle me and what is best to say.  Is an overthinker good for an employer? Does is mean that they are conscientious? Or does it stop the employee from working to their best ability? Again I do not know the answer to these questions.

I think the only thing that you can do as an overthinker to control is this is to think rationally. Look at every situation and rationalise things in your brain.  I don’t think that there is a cure and you need to realise that you are an overthinker accept this and get on with your life.



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