My life goes from one crisis to another. I never have a few weeks when everything is fine. Something always comes along with more shit. I know people have a lot worse and I should be grateful for what I have. I am but I still get down with circumstances in my life.
I have massive trust issues and this has been caused by past experiences and a narcissist ex partner. He has always make me feel that I am not good enough. Even after all these years I still feel not good enough in anything I do and it really gets me down. “I am not a good enough mum”. “I am not a good enough solicitor”. “I am not a good enough girlfriend”.
Something has happened this morning that has spoilt my trust in my boyfriend. It’s not a massive affair but unacceptable behaviour when you are in a relationship. I am not going to say anymore about what has happened. I am not going to end it all and throw him out. But I wonder if I can ever trust him again. I know I bleat on about him saying he is wonderful but maybe I am being naive are all men the same?????
I feel that everything that he has said to me over the years are a lie. To a person who hasn’t been lied to so many times over the years or made to feel nothing maybe the explanation is good enough. But to me it’s a massive issue.
Anyone who has been in a narcissistic relationship you learn to build massive walls around you in future relationships and it takes a long time to break down the walls. If anything happens to break the trust no matter how small it is the walls go back up.
Can you ever trust again? Or are you so damaged that you are better on your own. I will be fine and it’s just another obstacle in my life but it has damaged my trust. To me trust is everything.
Only time will tell whether I can get over this and trust him again. Until then my head is full of worry and overthinking.
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