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An over thinkers guide to life, Puggles, family and so much more

Overthinking is a nightmare. Due to a back operation I have too much time on my hands and too much time to think. This is how I deal with it and survive

Tag: narcissism (Page 1 of 2)

I hope people will eventually see the truth

Anxiety linked to narcissistic abuse

I couldn’t agree more I believe that is the reson why I suffer from anxiety and depredation

Daily diary – I love you but don’t like you very much

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I am sure I have used this saying before. This is exactly how I feel at the moment. Me and my daughter have had a massive fall out again. The sad thing is it t took all of her being at my house for 10 minutes. I have always has massive issues with her when she is on her period. I have taken her to the doctors and he prescribed the contraception pill. It did seem to help her hormones, but she won’t take it and comes up with excuse after excuse not to take it. I am not saying it’s the answer to our problems but it certainly helps.

Anyway she decided she wanted to come tonight. I was looking forward to seeing her and she turned up mid afternoon. The door flew open and she nearly knocked the mirror off the wall. She walked in with a terrible attitude. I made a flippant remark asking what she had done to her phone as it is broken again. Thor was all I said and she absolutely flew off the handle and said she always hated me and still did and kicked the table into me bruising my leg. I am not taking this abuse anymore anymore so I told her to go home. It went from bad to worse. She told me she hated me and used a few things her Dad used to say over the years. I had to lock her out of the house and tell her to go as she said she was going to clatter me. I had to let her back in as she nearly broke the door and was swearing down th3 street. Ebertone could hear. She also said I have no friends because no one likes me. She also said I would loose my son too as he hates me too and lots more abuse.
I got her grandma to pick her up and then got a load of abuse from her Dad. He said I should put up with it as she is on her period.

I don’t care what time of the month it is but I am not taking physical and verbal abuse. She was saying many narcissist things which have come from her Dad. She carried on abusing me by text and I told her not to contact me until she learns some respect. Narcissists have a knack of blaming everything on you and I really believe that they believe this. I now feel very sad, low and upset. She has made me feel useless and very down.

I don’t know where we can go from here. I need to leave her to it as I can’t cope with the hurt and the nastiness and blame. Sorry for the down diary. It’s just been a bad o e. Roll on tomorrow bye xxx

A perfect description of a narcissist

This is a perfect description of a narcissist and my ex. Best to stay away from these type of people and if you know one of rhese type of people get away while you still can and you still have your sanity. As they will well and truly take it away from you and try and destroy you as soon as they can.

If a narcissist has lost control

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Life with a overthinking brain

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I hate my over thinking brain.  Hate is a strong word, but I really do hate it.  It gives me a great deal of stress and worry and often gives me sleepless nights.  It has made me overthink about writing this post about overthinking.

My brain is always busy and working overtime.  Sometimes I ask my boyfriend “what are you thinking about?”.  He sometimes says “Nothing”.  I say to him “you can’t think about nothing, you must be thinking of simething, as you think all the time”.  That then causes me to overthink.  I think, is he thinking about someone else and won’t tell me? Is he bored and won’t tell me? Is he unhappy and thinking about that? That causes me to worry and overthink more.  It’s like a vicious circle and it never ends. I often wonder whether you can actually think about nothing and if so that would be amazing.

When I am not thinking about something to worry about I think of stupid things for example, I see an aeroplane flying overhead and I think, I wonder where they are going on the plane and can imagine people sitting on the plane getting excited about going on holiday.  Or do penguins have knees?  Is this healthy? Is it good to have an intuitive mind? I really don’t know the answer to those questions.

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It must be very hard to have a relationship with an overthinker, as they have to deal with a barrage of questions all the time.  My boyfriend has the patience of a saint.  My issues aren’t just overthinking, they are also massive trust issues and almost definitely stem from my relationship with a narcissist.

I do not have any recollection as to when I started as an overthinker.  I am not sure whether I have always been like this.  I certainly don’t remember being like this in my teens or early 20’s.  Maybe it started after living with a narcissist and almost certainly it made me feel worse after this. I think I am so worried in a relationship that I have upset my partner that I am on edge and worry that he will be mad at me for my actions.  Being with a supportive partner has made me feel better but I have no way of controlling this.

It doesn’t just stop at me overthinking about relationships.  I worry about money, my family and work. I am also lucky to have a supportive work family as they also know how to handle me and what is best to say.  Is an overthinker good for an employer? Does is mean that they are conscientious? Or does it stop the employee from working to their best ability? Again I do not know the answer to these questions.

I think the only thing that you can do as an overthinker to control is this is to think rationally. Look at every situation and rationalise things in your brain.  I don’t think that there is a cure and you need to realise that you are an overthinker accept this and get on with your life.



Love is out there. You can move on after a narcissist relationship and as an overthinker

87AADC47-F423-4D05-8DA2-029DFFA6BB49My boyfriend is a saint.  He has to deal with so much as having a relationship with someone who overthinks every situation and trusts no one.

When I left my narcissistic ex I desperately wanted a new boyfriend some one to love me and treat me correctly.  It was too soon as I needed to like myself first.  I had a very low self esteem and didn’t like myself.  I thought I was fat and hated to look in the mirror.  I have had problems in the past prior to meeting my ex and at 13 years old I was hospitalised as I had anorexia and I weighed 3 stone 11 Ibs.  I looked like I had been in a concentration camp. It was a long journey and I will go into this more in another blog.  Although I had recovered, well I should haven’t used that word.  You never recover. Although I had gained weight and was feeling better I still hated myself.  My ex knew about my problems and he loved to call me fat at every opportunity.  Therefore I left this relationship hating myself physically as well as mentally.

I had a couple of one night stands, met a few people on nights out, although I never slept with them,  I was scared to take things further.  I also had a couple of dates with a lad I met on friends reunited dating.  He was really nice, but I couldn’t handle nice as I had never been treated like that before and I found it creepy.  I have a thing with shoes.  If someone has horrible shoes on I can not go out with them.  When I came back from my date.  My friend said “did you see the loops on his laces?, they were massive”.  That was it and I ended it.

I decided I needed to be alone with my children.  Which I was for 6 years.  After that I used to go on my space website and got talking to a lad about music.  I met up with him and we started dating.  We dated for a number of years, but he had his issues.  Mainly he was bording on being an alcoholic.  We had a love of music and enjoyed going to be gigs.  But that was it.  We had no future and couldn’t handle my insecurities.

I then went straight into a relationship with someone who I had dated previously 20 years earlier,  I had been warned about him by many people. I went ahead anyway and he was very much like my ex.  He never said anything nice to me, put me down.  He acted as though he was embarrassed to be with me. He cheated on me and was very manipulative and I ended up dating him for a number of years, moving in with him.  Spending a fortune on his house and then I left and had to start again.  I moved back home  and had to buy all new furniture.  This is one of the reasons why I am struggling financially now.

I then went straight into another relationship with a nice accountant.  I believed I needed nice.  He really wasn’t for me and everyone could see that.  He had just split up with his wife and had lots of issues.  I think we just helped each other through difficult times,

As you can see my relationship history was terrible,  I was emotionally scared and had given up hope of ever finding anyone who I loved and loved me.  I always felt I had to go out of my way to please everyone whether it was at a detriment to me.  I constantly needed reassurance and my brain worked overtime. Felt constantly on edge and sent a lot of time arguing and crying.  I decided that I was better being on my own.  I had lots of friends and was busy with my children and didn’t need or want anymore stress and upset.

I also had massive trust issues.  I have massive barriers up as I had been hurt so many times in the past.  No one was getting into my heart and hurting me again.  Then my night in shining armour came into my life.  I knew my present boyfriend over 25 years ago.  He used to date a friend.  We got back in touch after a tragic death of a mutual friend.  We got talking and within a couple of months he moved in with me.  He tells me every day that he loves me and would do anything for me or my family.  He is calm and laid back which is what I need.  I do get silly thoughts in my head. He said he thinks I have 2 brains as one couldn’t possibly think so much.  I do get paranoid that he doesn’t love me and wants to be with someone else.  Rather than shout at me he reassures me, tells me he loves me.  I have gradually let the barriers down and can say I do trust him. Although I often overthink situations and question him about whether he will let me down. He is great and takes it in his stride.

I get stressed when he does anything for me and that he will be mad with me for stupid things like, “are you mad at me because you didn’t like tea?”, “are you mad at me for loosing my car keys? “ . He just reassures me and says “why on earth am I mad at you? I love you”.

He also is very patient as I am very independent as I have had to be.  I like to do everything myself.  He understands why I am like this.  He understands my issues with the children, my ex and he stands back when I am having issues, doesn’t get involved, unless I want him to and then gives me all the reassurance I need. This has been very difficult for him especially with my daughter.  He never judges me, which I have never had before.  I often say to him “I look fat,” he says “ you are beautiful and I love you the way you are”.  This is a massive issue for me.  I have felt not good enough in the past and I am lucky to have a boyfriend as I am fat.  In reality I am of average size and wear size 14 uk size clothes.  I am now starting to feel like he loves me for me.

I have a funny way of thinking about things and I know my thoughts are irrational and not normal.  This is due to circumstances and how terrible I have felt about myself in the past.  I am now learning to accept myself for me flaws and all.  In the past I never thought love in a relationship was real.  I have never really been in love.  I though I deserved the treatment that I have received. That I was the problem in relationships and that there was something wrong with me.  I now know that is not the case.  It was my ex’s who have the problems and unfortunately I had been meeting the same sort of people.  It was a vicious circle and I have finally escaped.  It can be done and I am here to tell you that if you feel you have lost hope.  Love is out there and be patient, don’t force a relationship and if it doesn’t feel right get out.  If he doesn’t make you feel loved and special everyday don’t waste your time and energy on them.  You can’t change people for what you want them to be.

As the saying goes you sometimes need to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.



Life after narcissistic abuse

Life after narcissistic abuse

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Life after narcissistic abuse was scary.  Was I capable of doing this alone? How the hell was I in this position? I don’t feel an adult myself let alone able to look after two beautiful creatures who relied on me.  I had to stop worrying and start thinking I couldn’t do it.  I had to do it and I was going to be the best mum I could.

I was working 3 days a week after recently qualifying as a solicitor.  It was damned hard.  I had a family friend who looked after them both one day a week and the other 2 days they went to nursery.  It used to rip my heart out dropping them off at nursery.  My Son used to cry when I left him, but when I used to ring to check he was ok when I got to work he was fine.  It still didn’t help me stop worrying.  Being an overthinker made the situation so muc( worse.

My ex still had a key to the house and used to turn up when ever he wanted.  I used to come home from work and found he had been in the shower, towels would be dropped on the floor in the bathroom. He used to open food in my fridge and close the lid and when I went to eat it, it would be off.  I don’t know what his game was.  It was like he was still controlling me without him still being there.  After a few moths I realised I needed to buy myself another house that was mine and where I could move on.

The move happened quicker than I thought it would as he used to turn up at night drunk and I would find him asleep in the house when I got up in the morning.  Once I moved out I could really start again.  That didn’t stop the nasty and abusive messages that I constantly got. Sometimes he was charming and it made me think it was me who was in the wrong and when he lured me in the abuse started again.he liked to control my mind and make me believe that I was the crazy one and he was a well liked and controlled individual.

I never was able to move on for long as with a lot of break ups where no children are involved it was a clean break and you could cut your ex out of your life.  I had to contact him regarding the children.  He had to come to parents evening and Be involved with their lives.  He was their Dad after all.  I wasn’t the type of parent who denied the Dad access to their children and he did love them. Parents evening was a nightmare.  I am quite articulate and can talk well to teachers and other people.  He seemed to like to make me look stupid in public.  He bigged himself up, lie about what he did for the children and what I didn’t do for the children. I ended up like a gibbering unstable wreck by the end of it.

For many years I saw myself as a bad parent, I used to compare myself to other mothers in the school yard.  I had a kind or paranoia.  It was probably a mixture of my overthinking and constantly being told I wasn’t good enough.  This will never leave me.  Deep down I know it’s wrong, but I still feel inferior.  He also didn’t support me with the children and bad mouthed me to them constantly.  I have tried to raise my children without calling their Dad which I wish had been reciprocated.  I think he has brainwashed them to believe that he has been an amazing parent, paid for lots of things. Which wasn’t true. He paid the bare minimum.  I have been told that they will find out what he is like in the end.  I believe my Son knows the truth, but not my daughter and that makes me very sad.  I did go to cognitive behavioural therapy ansd that has really helped me.

Once I get set up in my own home I wanted to meet a new partner and live happily ever after.  Unfortunately I wasn’t mentally ready and I had a few dates and then decided I needed to concentrate on my children.  Which I did for 6 years.  I did have a couple of long term boyfriends after, but they had their own problems and they weren’t fruitful relationships.  The last one was very similar to my ex. Very controlling, and he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him.  I went out of my way to please him at all times  even if it was at a detriment to me.  I always felt on edge and it was a horrible feeling.

Luckily I have now met someone who accepts insecurities and makes me feel amazing and supports me in every decision I make.  This is what love is and he tells me every day lots of times.  Being a boyfriend of an overthinker and from an abusive previous relationship isn’t easy.  I drive him mad, but he reassures me and makes me feel comfortable and secure. There is life after being with a narcissist and there is hope



I am sick of always being skint. I am a reformed shopaholic but dealing with the consequences.

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Most of my time that I am overthinking is due to worrying about money.  As the saying goes I am always robbing Peter to pay Paul.  It really gets me down,  it also embarrasses me that I earn a good wage these days but it all goes out paying off my debts.  It’s like a vicious circle.

I have agonised / overthinked a lot as to whether I should share this type of information on my blog as finances are private.  It would have helped me when I am feeling low and a disappointment to others that I am not alone.  That other people are in the same position and I shouldn’t be ashamed.

Yes it’s true I feel a big disappointment and I feel that I have let people down and more particularly my children.  When I think about it logically all I have done is spend money and bought nice things to make both myself and my children happy.  I think subconsciously I have over compensated with spending as I am guilty that things didn’t work out with their Dad and I have had to put them through raising them as a single parent. I was lucky my parents are still together and my parents have just celebrated being married for 50 years.  Which is a massive achievement.  My dad jokes he would have got less time in prison if he had murdered someone, but they are very happy.   I also think that spending money made me feel happy and gave me some sort of buzz, but I soon came down from the buzz when I thought about it and realised that I was going to struggle paying in the end.

I have also only had limited help from the children’s father.  He has paid me the minimum in maintenance and with his narcissist ways he has also made everyone think that he is a “wonder Dad”.  It has been far easier as far as I am concerned just to get on with things and pay myself, for school trips, uniform etc as contacting him asking him for money would give him power and it would then give him the chance to insult and abuse me and tell me what a failure I am. It has been hard raising the children on a part time wage for a number of years and the money has had to come from somewhere.  There are times when I have felt desperate.  Thought there was no way forward, but there have been a lot of things that I have done recently that have helped me. I will write a piece about what I have done to save money soon.

Once I get back on track I think I will feel a lot happier.  It has put a lot of restraints on our life for the last few years as I have had to deal with the consequences of overspending.  I think that I have spoilt my children and they have had most things that they want.  I had to put a stop to it and struggle for a few years so that things will  improve financial. I think this is one of the reasons my daughter has moved out because she isn’t able to get what she wants as I simply can’t afford it.  It’s sad that it’s come down to money.

If I could relive my life again I would have been more careful and but you can’t go back in time.  From now on I will be sensible and if I haven’t got the money in my bank and can’t afford it I will go without and save for it if need be.



Life immediately after leaving a narcissist and domestic abuser.

I was a wreck when I finally chucked him out.  It happened nearly 15 years ago but it is so vivid.  I was 32 was a working mother with 2 children ages 1 and 2.  I had just qualified as a solicitor and there were only 15 months between my 2 children.  Despite this and life being hard it was the best thing that I ever did.  I was the start of my long recovery.  It was a long recovery and to tell you the truth I didn’t think I will ever be the same again.  Please don’t feel that you have no hope after being with a narcissist, but unfortunately your life will be changed for ever.  Not always in a bad way.  It is true it makes you a stronger person.  I always think about the words to the Jamilia song thank you.

Thank You
The fights, those nights
I tried to pretend it don’t hurt
The way, I prayed
Someday that you would love me
Really, completely
Just how I wanted it to be
But no, so wrong
Can’t believe I stayed with you so long
You hit, you spit, you split, ever-why bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you’re cold
You’re such a joke to me, yeah
For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just want to tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you
My head, near dead
Just the way you wanted it
My soul, stone cold
’cause I was under you’re control
So young, so dumb
Knew just how to make me succumb
But I un-derstand
To make yourself feel like a man
You hit, you spit, you split, ever-why bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you’re cold
You’re such a joke to me, yeah
For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just want to tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you
You coulda had it all babe
It coulda been so right
I woulda given you everything
Morning through night
Yeah, you taught me some lessons
Those are my blessings
That won’t happen again
Thank you
Songwriters: Carsten Schack / Jamelia Davis / Peter Biker
Thank You lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

I am not a massive Jamilia fan, but this is exactly what has happened to me I have come out of this stronger.  I can say that now 15 years later. It didn’t happen overnight and I have made mistakes since.  I did get involved with another narcissist years later, but I handled things better.

My ex moved out of the house and back to his parents and I went back to my house after staying with my parents for a few days.  I had a mix of emotions.  I was nervous and apprehensive as I was alone with my children, but to be fair I did most things for them anyway.  I was also excited that I had got out of the abusive relationship and was about to start my life again.  I also missed him, which is stupid.  I only missed the person I wanted him to be.  He would never be that person and I realised that over the years, but I still remembered the good times at the beginning.

One of the first things I did was mess the fridge up.  I know it sounds silly, but I got into trouble if I put food on the wrong shelf.  It was my way of gaining power back.  I also rebelled a bit with not having the house completely minimalist   I let the children play with their toys and didn’t put them away straight away.

I was actually surprised how good I felt.  I had finally escaped.

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