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An over thinkers guide to life, Puggles, family and so much more

Overthinking is a nightmare. Due to a back operation I have too much time on my hands and too much time to think. This is how I deal with it and survive

Tag: mental health (Page 1 of 4)

Suicide

Daily diary – I love you but don’t like you very much

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I am sure I have used this saying before. This is exactly how I feel at the moment. Me and my daughter have had a massive fall out again. The sad thing is it t took all of her being at my house for 10 minutes. I have always has massive issues with her when she is on her period. I have taken her to the doctors and he prescribed the contraception pill. It did seem to help her hormones, but she won’t take it and comes up with excuse after excuse not to take it. I am not saying it’s the answer to our problems but it certainly helps.

Anyway she decided she wanted to come tonight. I was looking forward to seeing her and she turned up mid afternoon. The door flew open and she nearly knocked the mirror off the wall. She walked in with a terrible attitude. I made a flippant remark asking what she had done to her phone as it is broken again. Thor was all I said and she absolutely flew off the handle and said she always hated me and still did and kicked the table into me bruising my leg. I am not taking this abuse anymore anymore so I told her to go home. It went from bad to worse. She told me she hated me and used a few things her Dad used to say over the years. I had to lock her out of the house and tell her to go as she said she was going to clatter me. I had to let her back in as she nearly broke the door and was swearing down th3 street. Ebertone could hear. She also said I have no friends because no one likes me. She also said I would loose my son too as he hates me too and lots more abuse.
I got her grandma to pick her up and then got a load of abuse from her Dad. He said I should put up with it as she is on her period.

I don’t care what time of the month it is but I am not taking physical and verbal abuse. She was saying many narcissist things which have come from her Dad. She carried on abusing me by text and I told her not to contact me until she learns some respect. Narcissists have a knack of blaming everything on you and I really believe that they believe this. I now feel very sad, low and upset. She has made me feel useless and very down.

I don’t know where we can go from here. I need to leave her to it as I can’t cope with the hurt and the nastiness and blame. Sorry for the down diary. It’s just been a bad o e. Roll on tomorrow bye xxx

Life with a overthinking brain

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I hate my over thinking brain.  Hate is a strong word, but I really do hate it.  It gives me a great deal of stress and worry and often gives me sleepless nights.  It has made me overthink about writing this post about overthinking.

My brain is always busy and working overtime.  Sometimes I ask my boyfriend “what are you thinking about?”.  He sometimes says “Nothing”.  I say to him “you can’t think about nothing, you must be thinking of simething, as you think all the time”.  That then causes me to overthink.  I think, is he thinking about someone else and won’t tell me? Is he bored and won’t tell me? Is he unhappy and thinking about that? That causes me to worry and overthink more.  It’s like a vicious circle and it never ends. I often wonder whether you can actually think about nothing and if so that would be amazing.

When I am not thinking about something to worry about I think of stupid things for example, I see an aeroplane flying overhead and I think, I wonder where they are going on the plane and can imagine people sitting on the plane getting excited about going on holiday.  Or do penguins have knees?  Is this healthy? Is it good to have an intuitive mind? I really don’t know the answer to those questions.

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It must be very hard to have a relationship with an overthinker, as they have to deal with a barrage of questions all the time.  My boyfriend has the patience of a saint.  My issues aren’t just overthinking, they are also massive trust issues and almost definitely stem from my relationship with a narcissist.

I do not have any recollection as to when I started as an overthinker.  I am not sure whether I have always been like this.  I certainly don’t remember being like this in my teens or early 20’s.  Maybe it started after living with a narcissist and almost certainly it made me feel worse after this. I think I am so worried in a relationship that I have upset my partner that I am on edge and worry that he will be mad at me for my actions.  Being with a supportive partner has made me feel better but I have no way of controlling this.

It doesn’t just stop at me overthinking about relationships.  I worry about money, my family and work. I am also lucky to have a supportive work family as they also know how to handle me and what is best to say.  Is an overthinker good for an employer? Does is mean that they are conscientious? Or does it stop the employee from working to their best ability? Again I do not know the answer to these questions.

I think the only thing that you can do as an overthinker to control is this is to think rationally. Look at every situation and rationalise things in your brain.  I don’t think that there is a cure and you need to realise that you are an overthinker accept this and get on with your life.



Life immediately after leaving a narcissist and domestic abuser.

I was a wreck when I finally chucked him out.  It happened nearly 15 years ago but it is so vivid.  I was 32 was a working mother with 2 children ages 1 and 2.  I had just qualified as a solicitor and there were only 15 months between my 2 children.  Despite this and life being hard it was the best thing that I ever did.  I was the start of my long recovery.  It was a long recovery and to tell you the truth I didn’t think I will ever be the same again.  Please don’t feel that you have no hope after being with a narcissist, but unfortunately your life will be changed for ever.  Not always in a bad way.  It is true it makes you a stronger person.  I always think about the words to the Jamilia song thank you.

Thank You
The fights, those nights
I tried to pretend it don’t hurt
The way, I prayed
Someday that you would love me
Really, completely
Just how I wanted it to be
But no, so wrong
Can’t believe I stayed with you so long
You hit, you spit, you split, ever-why bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you’re cold
You’re such a joke to me, yeah
For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just want to tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you
My head, near dead
Just the way you wanted it
My soul, stone cold
’cause I was under you’re control
So young, so dumb
Knew just how to make me succumb
But I un-derstand
To make yourself feel like a man
You hit, you spit, you split, ever-why bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you’re cold
You’re such a joke to me, yeah
For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just want to tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you
You coulda had it all babe
It coulda been so right
I woulda given you everything
Morning through night
Yeah, you taught me some lessons
Those are my blessings
That won’t happen again
Thank you
Songwriters: Carsten Schack / Jamelia Davis / Peter Biker
Thank You lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

I am not a massive Jamilia fan, but this is exactly what has happened to me I have come out of this stronger.  I can say that now 15 years later. It didn’t happen overnight and I have made mistakes since.  I did get involved with another narcissist years later, but I handled things better.

My ex moved out of the house and back to his parents and I went back to my house after staying with my parents for a few days.  I had a mix of emotions.  I was nervous and apprehensive as I was alone with my children, but to be fair I did most things for them anyway.  I was also excited that I had got out of the abusive relationship and was about to start my life again.  I also missed him, which is stupid.  I only missed the person I wanted him to be.  He would never be that person and I realised that over the years, but I still remembered the good times at the beginning.

One of the first things I did was mess the fridge up.  I know it sounds silly, but I got into trouble if I put food on the wrong shelf.  It was my way of gaining power back.  I also rebelled a bit with not having the house completely minimalist   I let the children play with their toys and didn’t put them away straight away.

I was actually surprised how good I felt.  I had finally escaped.

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Living with a Narcissist and dealing with domestic violence

I used to live with a narcissist over 15 years ago and his words and abuse still affect me now in so many ways.  I have two children with my ex partner and he still tries to control me now.  Over the years I have had cognitive behavioural therapy and taken antidepressants to help me and I still take them  now.  I was with my partner for 13 years.  After leaving my partner I had a number of failed relationships and funnily enough I picked the same type of person, it is not until I met my present partner that I now know what it feels like to be in love with someone who treats me well and will do anything for me.  Let me go back to how it was living with a narcissist who also abused me physically and mentally.

I was only 21 when I met my ex.  We knew each other previously and hung around with the same group of people.  He was the joker of the group and always the centre of attention.  We grew close and started dating.  In the beginning we got on well and although he used to belittle me in public it was done in a joking kind of way so I never took it personally.  Our relationship was ok nothing spectacular and eventually we decided to buy a house and move in together. This was when our problems started.

On the day we got the keys and moved in together he was very reluctant and when we were moving in he sat on his playstation playing.  I remember thinking he was just sad at moving and leaving home.  This was despite us being 28,  He started being very controlling, used to go mad when I put items on the wrong shelf in the fridge.  At the supermarket I always packed the bags wrong. Even now I get a bit twitchy when packing the bags and make sure I do it the correct way.  I wasn’t allowed to put my handbag next to my chair I always had to hang it up.  I just learned not to be scruffy as he called me and I just put this down to him being very tidy and house proud.

We rarely went out together and he spend a lot of time out with his friends.  He used to roll in in the early hours of the morning absolutely paralytic.  I used to have to wait until he fell asleep on the settee to go down and lock up and make sure the oven wasn’t on.  I used to wait until he was asleep as he was a very angry drunk and I didn’t want to provoke him.  This was a regular occurrence and we didn’t really have much of a relationship.  Sex was quick and I used to lie there thinking hurry up and let’s get it over it.  I knew that I would be safe for at least another month.

I don’t know when the domestic violence started.  I remember going away with university for the night and he hit me in my face before I went.  It was probably a silly argument but I was heartbroken,  He was never overly sorry when he hit me.  He always said it was my fault for winding him up.  I lived my life on edge.  Always worrying that I was upsetting him and I was always trying to keep the peace.  I remember often feeling upset and depressed and many times I packed my car up to go home.  I always came back he had a kind of hold on me.

Things seemed to get worse when I was pregnant with by daughter.  He used to tell me that all my friends hated me and talked about me behind my back and he knew a number of my ex boyfriends and they had all told him that I was crazy.  He made me feel useless and that this was my life and I needed to get on with it for the sake of my family.  My daughter was due to be born on my birthday.  That night he went out and didn’t come home.  I was scared and went home to my parents for the night as I was worried that I might come into labour.

My daughter didn’t want to be born and I had to be induced.  I was very apprehensive and I remember it had been raining and I put my bag on the floor,  I remember him screaming at me and making me cry on the way to the hospital.  I also remember when I was in labour he said “come on don’t be lazy”. Those words really hurt and the nurses were shocked at his words.

After my daughter was born.  It was all go.  The only problem was I was the only one doing all the work.  If I nipped into town shopping and left my daughter with my ex he used to telephone me and say hurry up I want to go out,  We used to have an arrangement at the weekend that we would take turns to get up with my daughter.  When it was his turn to lie in he used to roll down at mid day then get dressed and go out with his friends.  When it was my turn to lie in.  I would hear him crashing about down stairs sand shouting,  “the scruffy bitch, look at the mess you have left”. He would make so much noise that I would get up as I knew I was in for a shouting at and I wanted to get it over with.  Life continued this way.  I was miserable and went back to work 3 months after my daughter was born as I was training to be a solicitor and could only have that length of time off.  I worked 3 days a week.

When I was working and my ex looked after my daughter I used to come home to a load of abuse that he had had a busy day and needed a rest so I made the tea, bathed my daughter and put her to bed.  When it was my turn to look after my daughter.  He used or come home and say “what have you been doing all day?” So I used to make the tea, bath my daughter and put her to bed.  Life was hard but when my daughter was 6 months old I found out I was pregnant with my son.

After my son was born life got worse with my ex.  I remember one occasion when I had just come out of hospital after giving birth he put his hands around my throat and tried to strangle me while I was in the bath. Another time I had my son in my arms and he hit me.  I remember him pushing me downstairs once and I ended up at casualty as I thought he had broken my collarbone.  He also ripped the telephone wire out once her was drunk when I tried to ring my mum.  I loved my children more that the world but I realised I was stuck in a situation that there was no way out.  My partner was never sorry for the violence and put downs.  It was always my fault.  I never got the flowers after the violence, I was just made to feel crazy and inferior.  I didn’t tell anyone as I was terribly ashamed that I was allowing someone to treat me this way.  I was also ashamed that I was a solicitor and how could I let this happen.  He also made me feel inferior about my job.  He always said I wasn’t a proper solicitor as I only acted in the selling of houses and didn’t go to court.  It was a big achievement but he didn’t like me to be in a better job than him.

I always used to think he has done everything to me the only thing he hadn’t done that I knew was cheat on me. It sounded stupid and I don’t think most people would understand, I wanted him to cheat on me so I could finally leave him.  That wish come true a couple of weeks before my son was 1.  It was a Thursday night. My ex had gone out again.  He rolled in in the early hours.  I went down stairs in the morning and he was lying on the floor in the front room lying in his own urine.  His phone was next to him and there was a message from “Jack” saying “ don’t ring me now it’s the middle of the night speak to you tomorrow xxxx”. I found that odd, why would Jack end a text with some kisses. So I rang the number and I was a girl I knew.

I was in a blur.  I took the children to nursery and went to work.  About lunch time I went home picked the children up and went to my parents and rang him and told him to go.  That was it my wish had come true,

I will update the split up and life after in another future blog if it hasn’t bored you to death.
Please check out my other stories on my blog and follow my blog to keep you updated.



I take antidepressants!!!!!!

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Its not an easy thing to admit.  I take antidepressants.  I feel embarrassed and it does make me feel a weak person,   I feel ashamed to admit it and why? Depression doesn’t mean that you are a weak person. I believe circumstances can make your life difficult at times and you need help and by taking antidepressants you are getting the help you need.  It’s an illness and people often forget that.

When I was diagnosed many years ago. I went to the doctors with back ache.  My doctor was great and said “what do you do every day?” I explained my day as a single parent and the struggles that I have due to my narcissist ex partner and while I was telling him I started crying.  It was like a release.  He said “I think you are depressed and need a little help”.  I took the help and they have helped me cope with life,

I am now with a great partner and I do feel embarrassed to tell him as I am scared he will think “why is she depressed when she has me”?  But it couldn’t be further from the truth.  He did say “I don’t know how you have coped all these years without support, you are amazing”.

My aim now is to cut them down and be tablet free, but it will take time as I am still struggling with problems particularly with my daughter, worries over money and my main problem over thinking. The main thing is I AM GETTING THERE.  I am proud of what I have overcome and feel positive about the future

Living in fear – Abusive Teenagers

I have been agonising as to whether I should write this post.  You wouldn’t understand who I am and why I am going through hell if I didn’t go into this.

I  will start at the beginning.  I had my children in my 30’s and while I was still with my abusive ex.  I also only left 15 months between the birth of my daughter and son. I had very little help from my ex and I will go into his behaviour at a later date.  I left and went to live on my own when my son was 1 and my daughter was 2.  I didn’t want to live like I was anymore.  I suffered domestic violence physically and mentally and I was a complete mess.  I didn’t want my children to grow up in a violent household.

My daughter has always wanted to be the centre of attention and when they were small my son had to stay in the cot crying while I attended to my daughter.  As she got older she was exactly the same. When It was someone else’s birthday she always spoilt it as the attention wasn’t on her.  We always put up with this and didn’t really see it as an issue but an annoyance.

I was on my own with the children for 6 years and when I finally found a boyfriend my daughter did every thing she could to split us up.  I had a number of failed relationships and my daughter was an issue.  I also picked the same kind of people to be in a relationship with,  the same type of people it was as if I was drawn to bad boys.  Men with baggage who didn’t treat me very well.

Over the years my daughter has been violent but the outbreaks were few and far between,  she had hit me a few times and even trapped my arm in the door.  It all brought back memories of her abusive dad and I hoped by leaving him early she wouldn’t follow his traits.  I never hit back as I don’t believe that violence solves anything.  The next morning she used to say “ can we forget it “ and for an easy life I did as I loved my daughter dearly and believed she didn’t mean it,  I blamed hormones, fights with her friend and pressures of school.  I was also ashamed that I let my daughter treat me this way.  I also tried my best to give her everything I could to make her happy, even if I didn’t have the money to do so.  I know looking back I was wrong, but it’s easy to say that looking in from the outside.  I just did what I could as a mum looking after two children on my own and working full time.

Finally I met my present partner who loves me with all his heart and would do anything for me and all of my family,  Things were great at first. I believe both my children like him a lot and I know he feels the same.  I think my daughter believed her nose was being pushed out and she wasn’t getting all the attention she believed she deserved. Over the last few months she has been verbally and physically abusive to the extent when she kicked off one night I called the police. She had hit me and poured water all over my iPad.  I felt ashamed and upset.  I was heart broken that I had to resort to this.  I felt the worst mother in the world.

That evening she sent me a text  saying she is getting mad all the time and needed help. She said she was always falling out with people and wanted to see the doctor,  and begged me to take her to the doctors,  I felt encouraged that she as was asking for help and immediately forgave her.  I took her to the doctors the next day and she was totally different to the night before she said she only said it to get her off being in trouble and said there was nothing wrong with her.  The doctor said he thought her exams may be stressing her out and he would give her a new contraceptive pill as that had helped in the past.  I was furious.  After that things went from bad to worst.

She only spoke to me when she wanted something.  Purposely left her things and dirty food plates lying around the house. She picked arguments with everything I said.  She called me horrendous names. I think the fact that I wasn’t agreeing to everything she wanted, actually saying no and not letting her get her own way was the catalyst to further bad behaviour,  she smashed items around the house that belonged to me and spoke to me like rubbish.  In fact home life was a nightmare and it was like we were walking on egg shells as to whether she would blow.  The final straw came when I was offered an operation for my bulging disc in my back.

After I came out of hospital her behaviour was terrible she said after one argument “ I am having my exams and I am supposed to get attention not you for your back”.  It couldn’t go on and one night she threw a glass of water over me and my partner while we were in bed.  She knew she was in trouble and went to live at her Dads. I believe he hasn’t helped with the situation and instead of talking to her and saying her behaviour was unacceptable.  He became very hostile and has ridiculed me and called me in front of her.  I believe this is a power thing as far as he is concerned.  He said the reason that she behaved the way she did is down to my failings.  I believe that she has inherited her fathers narcissist tendencies and his verbal abuse and the problem wasn’t all down to me. There is no point arguing with either of them.

No matter what she has done she is my daughter and I love her and all of this breaks my heart.  I have tried to contact her and tell her I love her.  It falls on deaf ears.  If I am nice they both see it as weakness.  I can not win.  I know we couldn’t have gone on as we had so I hope she realises what I have done for her in her life and we can get back on track.  Maybe a bit of space will do us good.  I can’t disown her I would never do. My heart breaks every day and I also cry every day but I hope she comes to her senses and we can be friends again in the future.

Wise words as I have been called a failure by my narcissist ex

I have always wanted to write a book

I always wanted to write a book.  I am quite well educated and have a lot of great ideas in my head.  My English isn’t the best but I have had a complicated life and raising two children alone I wondered if maybe I could help some one.  Like I have mentioned already in my blog it’s also a bit of therapy for me.  I also overthink every situation in my life and I know that there are many other single parents out there who are alone. Who maybe need to know that there are other people out there in the same situation.  So I am going to give it a go.  I don’t know if it will be any good or of anyone would even read it, but what’s lost. I will try to add a chapter at a time on here and I don’t even know where it’s going yet and I hope it will take shape at some point.

I have had many issues in my life and always done things the difficult way.  This hasn’t been intended it’s just how my life turns out.  Maybe it’s cause of my lack of organisation, but nothing seems to go how it should go.  I also realised recently that I have had to deal with a narcissist for most of my adult life and my daughter seems to be showing narcissistic traits.  I will try and let people know the obstacles that I have had to overcome and how I have dealt with these.  I will also try and explain narcissism and overthinking and other problems that I have come accross.

I am not an expert by any means, I have just been there and done that and sometimes you need personal knowledge to emphasise.  I can also relate and explain the loneliness and isolation that I have  felt and still do.  Some times you feel that you are going mad but you arent it’s how a narcissist makes you feel.

If any one has any comments or ideas or experiences please comment.  I will start from the beginning and when I first realised that I had problems and that life wasn’t going to be so straight forward

Daily dairy- it’s been a funny old day

I am glad that I have waited until tonight before writing thus diary and I bet so are you.  If I had done it earlier you would have been looking for things sharpest knife  or the highest cliff to jump off.  It wasn’t a good start to the day as my ex has decided not to give me any money anymore.  The amount  was an insult anyway but even that amount is too much apparently   I decided I would tell my ex and daughter that as a result of this I would have to stop paying for anything for her like mobile phone contract, gym and season ticket.  Me and my children are big football fans and hold a season ticket to a local premier league club.  I got a tirade of abuse from my ex and my daughter won’t speak to me and hasn’t since I gave her some money for the prom on  Friday.

It really upset me, but I have had a lot of good advise from friends and relatives and feel more positive.  My friend invited me to her house and we watched the Brazil and Mexico game.  I have a knack this World Cup of supporting every team that ends up loosing,  I have supported Iceland, Spain, Portugal, Denmark, Mexico and Japan tonight.  As I have just typed this Belgium have equalised after being down two goals so it looks like I have given Japan the kiss of death too.  I might just not watch the England match tomorrow as I think I am bad luck.

Whilst at my friends a butterfly flew through the window and she screamed.  I ended up saving her and the butterfly’s life by getting a cup and  a card and catching the butterfly and emptying out of the window I was quite proud of myself.  By this time my mood lightened and had a quite enjoyable evening with my son  and boyfriend.  I have also liked the quotes I have come across and posted today.  They have really meant something and maybe sent a signal of hope and to sit back and enjoy life.  Things will come good I am sure of it.

I am going to lie down and rest my back.  Good night and I will speak to you tomorrow xxxx

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