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An over thinkers guide to life, Puggles, family and so much more

Overthinking is a nightmare. Due to a back operation I have too much time on my hands and too much time to think. This is how I deal with it and survive

Tag: future

The butterfly


This is a quote that I like and it’s all about being given hope when you feel like you have no hope. There is always hope. Life can have many teists and turns and you should always look forward to a future. There is always hope

Keep your head up.

Love is out there. You can move on after a narcissist relationship and as an overthinker

87AADC47-F423-4D05-8DA2-029DFFA6BB49My boyfriend is a saint.  He has to deal with so much as having a relationship with someone who overthinks every situation and trusts no one.

When I left my narcissistic ex I desperately wanted a new boyfriend some one to love me and treat me correctly.  It was too soon as I needed to like myself first.  I had a very low self esteem and didn’t like myself.  I thought I was fat and hated to look in the mirror.  I have had problems in the past prior to meeting my ex and at 13 years old I was hospitalised as I had anorexia and I weighed 3 stone 11 Ibs.  I looked like I had been in a concentration camp. It was a long journey and I will go into this more in another blog.  Although I had recovered, well I should haven’t used that word.  You never recover. Although I had gained weight and was feeling better I still hated myself.  My ex knew about my problems and he loved to call me fat at every opportunity.  Therefore I left this relationship hating myself physically as well as mentally.

I had a couple of one night stands, met a few people on nights out, although I never slept with them,  I was scared to take things further.  I also had a couple of dates with a lad I met on friends reunited dating.  He was really nice, but I couldn’t handle nice as I had never been treated like that before and I found it creepy.  I have a thing with shoes.  If someone has horrible shoes on I can not go out with them.  When I came back from my date.  My friend said “did you see the loops on his laces?, they were massive”.  That was it and I ended it.

I decided I needed to be alone with my children.  Which I was for 6 years.  After that I used to go on my space website and got talking to a lad about music.  I met up with him and we started dating.  We dated for a number of years, but he had his issues.  Mainly he was bording on being an alcoholic.  We had a love of music and enjoyed going to be gigs.  But that was it.  We had no future and couldn’t handle my insecurities.

I then went straight into a relationship with someone who I had dated previously 20 years earlier,  I had been warned about him by many people. I went ahead anyway and he was very much like my ex.  He never said anything nice to me, put me down.  He acted as though he was embarrassed to be with me. He cheated on me and was very manipulative and I ended up dating him for a number of years, moving in with him.  Spending a fortune on his house and then I left and had to start again.  I moved back home  and had to buy all new furniture.  This is one of the reasons why I am struggling financially now.

I then went straight into another relationship with a nice accountant.  I believed I needed nice.  He really wasn’t for me and everyone could see that.  He had just split up with his wife and had lots of issues.  I think we just helped each other through difficult times,

As you can see my relationship history was terrible,  I was emotionally scared and had given up hope of ever finding anyone who I loved and loved me.  I always felt I had to go out of my way to please everyone whether it was at a detriment to me.  I constantly needed reassurance and my brain worked overtime. Felt constantly on edge and sent a lot of time arguing and crying.  I decided that I was better being on my own.  I had lots of friends and was busy with my children and didn’t need or want anymore stress and upset.

I also had massive trust issues.  I have massive barriers up as I had been hurt so many times in the past.  No one was getting into my heart and hurting me again.  Then my night in shining armour came into my life.  I knew my present boyfriend over 25 years ago.  He used to date a friend.  We got back in touch after a tragic death of a mutual friend.  We got talking and within a couple of months he moved in with me.  He tells me every day that he loves me and would do anything for me or my family.  He is calm and laid back which is what I need.  I do get silly thoughts in my head. He said he thinks I have 2 brains as one couldn’t possibly think so much.  I do get paranoid that he doesn’t love me and wants to be with someone else.  Rather than shout at me he reassures me, tells me he loves me.  I have gradually let the barriers down and can say I do trust him. Although I often overthink situations and question him about whether he will let me down. He is great and takes it in his stride.

I get stressed when he does anything for me and that he will be mad with me for stupid things like, “are you mad at me because you didn’t like tea?”, “are you mad at me for loosing my car keys? “ . He just reassures me and says “why on earth am I mad at you? I love you”.

He also is very patient as I am very independent as I have had to be.  I like to do everything myself.  He understands why I am like this.  He understands my issues with the children, my ex and he stands back when I am having issues, doesn’t get involved, unless I want him to and then gives me all the reassurance I need. This has been very difficult for him especially with my daughter.  He never judges me, which I have never had before.  I often say to him “I look fat,” he says “ you are beautiful and I love you the way you are”.  This is a massive issue for me.  I have felt not good enough in the past and I am lucky to have a boyfriend as I am fat.  In reality I am of average size and wear size 14 uk size clothes.  I am now starting to feel like he loves me for me.

I have a funny way of thinking about things and I know my thoughts are irrational and not normal.  This is due to circumstances and how terrible I have felt about myself in the past.  I am now learning to accept myself for me flaws and all.  In the past I never thought love in a relationship was real.  I have never really been in love.  I though I deserved the treatment that I have received. That I was the problem in relationships and that there was something wrong with me.  I now know that is not the case.  It was my ex’s who have the problems and unfortunately I had been meeting the same sort of people.  It was a vicious circle and I have finally escaped.  It can be done and I am here to tell you that if you feel you have lost hope.  Love is out there and be patient, don’t force a relationship and if it doesn’t feel right get out.  If he doesn’t make you feel loved and special everyday don’t waste your time and energy on them.  You can’t change people for what you want them to be.

As the saying goes you sometimes need to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

Life after narcissistic abuse

Life after narcissistic abuse


Life after narcissistic abuse was scary.  Was I capable of doing this alone? How the hell was I in this position? I don’t feel an adult myself let alone able to look after two beautiful creatures who relied on me.  I had to stop worrying and start thinking I couldn’t do it.  I had to do it and I was going to be the best mum I could.

I was working 3 days a week after recently qualifying as a solicitor.  It was damned hard.  I had a family friend who looked after them both one day a week and the other 2 days they went to nursery.  It used to rip my heart out dropping them off at nursery.  My Son used to cry when I left him, but when I used to ring to check he was ok when I got to work he was fine.  It still didn’t help me stop worrying.  Being an overthinker made the situation so muc( worse.

My ex still had a key to the house and used to turn up when ever he wanted.  I used to come home from work and found he had been in the shower, towels would be dropped on the floor in the bathroom. He used to open food in my fridge and close the lid and when I went to eat it, it would be off.  I don’t know what his game was.  It was like he was still controlling me without him still being there.  After a few moths I realised I needed to buy myself another house that was mine and where I could move on.

The move happened quicker than I thought it would as he used to turn up at night drunk and I would find him asleep in the house when I got up in the morning.  Once I moved out I could really start again.  That didn’t stop the nasty and abusive messages that I constantly got. Sometimes he was charming and it made me think it was me who was in the wrong and when he lured me in the abuse started again.he liked to control my mind and make me believe that I was the crazy one and he was a well liked and controlled individual.

I never was able to move on for long as with a lot of break ups where no children are involved it was a clean break and you could cut your ex out of your life.  I had to contact him regarding the children.  He had to come to parents evening and Be involved with their lives.  He was their Dad after all.  I wasn’t the type of parent who denied the Dad access to their children and he did love them. Parents evening was a nightmare.  I am quite articulate and can talk well to teachers and other people.  He seemed to like to make me look stupid in public.  He bigged himself up, lie about what he did for the children and what I didn’t do for the children. I ended up like a gibbering unstable wreck by the end of it.

For many years I saw myself as a bad parent, I used to compare myself to other mothers in the school yard.  I had a kind or paranoia.  It was probably a mixture of my overthinking and constantly being told I wasn’t good enough.  This will never leave me.  Deep down I know it’s wrong, but I still feel inferior.  He also didn’t support me with the children and bad mouthed me to them constantly.  I have tried to raise my children without calling their Dad which I wish had been reciprocated.  I think he has brainwashed them to believe that he has been an amazing parent, paid for lots of things. Which wasn’t true. He paid the bare minimum.  I have been told that they will find out what he is like in the end.  I believe my Son knows the truth, but not my daughter and that makes me very sad.  I did go to cognitive behavioural therapy ansd that has really helped me.

Once I get set up in my own home I wanted to meet a new partner and live happily ever after.  Unfortunately I wasn’t mentally ready and I had a few dates and then decided I needed to concentrate on my children.  Which I did for 6 years.  I did have a couple of long term boyfriends after, but they had their own problems and they weren’t fruitful relationships.  The last one was very similar to my ex. Very controlling, and he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him.  I went out of my way to please him at all times  even if it was at a detriment to me.  I always felt on edge and it was a horrible feeling.

Luckily I have now met someone who accepts insecurities and makes me feel amazing and supports me in every decision I make.  This is what love is and he tells me every day lots of times.  Being a boyfriend of an overthinker and from an abusive previous relationship isn’t easy.  I drive him mad, but he reassures me and makes me feel comfortable and secure. There is life after being with a narcissist and there is hope

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