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An over thinkers guide to life, Puggles, family and so much more

Overthinking is a nightmare. Due to a back operation I have too much time on my hands and too much time to think. This is how I deal with it and survive

Tag: domestic violence

Being alone isn’t scary

I had a narcissist boyfriend he made my life a misery. I was on edge and I felt low as he put me down constantly. I put up with it for 13 years. Along with his violent behaviour.  He was cruel mentally and physically. I decided enough was enough when I found out that he was cheating on me. As if he hasn’t put me through enough.

He had made me feel so small that I was scared to be alone and thought I would be for the rest of my life. I turned out to be the best thing I ever did.  I was very lonely in our relationship and had never been so alone in my life. I left my ex and while it was strange at first but it was very empowering and the experiences that I had suffered in the long run has made me a much stronger and wiser person. The relationship damaged me in many ways. I don’t think I will ever be the same person as I was before. I don’t trust people and I am very paranoid. This has affected my relationships and I still suffer from this now. It’s only down to my boyfriend now that he doesn’t let this affect us.

Bad relationships are very damaging and my advise to anyone in this type of relationship is to get out while you can. Narcissists never change and staying will make you miserable. You only live once.

Life immediately after leaving a narcissist and domestic abuser.

I was a wreck when I finally chucked him out.  It happened nearly 15 years ago but it is so vivid.  I was 32 was a working mother with 2 children ages 1 and 2.  I had just qualified as a solicitor and there were only 15 months between my 2 children.  Despite this and life being hard it was the best thing that I ever did.  I was the start of my long recovery.  It was a long recovery and to tell you the truth I didn’t think I will ever be the same again.  Please don’t feel that you have no hope after being with a narcissist, but unfortunately your life will be changed for ever.  Not always in a bad way.  It is true it makes you a stronger person.  I always think about the words to the Jamilia song thank you.

Thank You
The fights, those nights
I tried to pretend it don’t hurt
The way, I prayed
Someday that you would love me
Really, completely
Just how I wanted it to be
But no, so wrong
Can’t believe I stayed with you so long
You hit, you spit, you split, ever-why bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you’re cold
You’re such a joke to me, yeah
For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just want to tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you
My head, near dead
Just the way you wanted it
My soul, stone cold
’cause I was under you’re control
So young, so dumb
Knew just how to make me succumb
But I un-derstand
To make yourself feel like a man
You hit, you spit, you split, ever-why bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you’re cold
You’re such a joke to me, yeah
For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just want to tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you
You coulda had it all babe
It coulda been so right
I woulda given you everything
Morning through night
Yeah, you taught me some lessons
Those are my blessings
That won’t happen again
Thank you
Songwriters: Carsten Schack / Jamelia Davis / Peter Biker
Thank You lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

I am not a massive Jamilia fan, but this is exactly what has happened to me I have come out of this stronger.  I can say that now 15 years later. It didn’t happen overnight and I have made mistakes since.  I did get involved with another narcissist years later, but I handled things better.

My ex moved out of the house and back to his parents and I went back to my house after staying with my parents for a few days.  I had a mix of emotions.  I was nervous and apprehensive as I was alone with my children, but to be fair I did most things for them anyway.  I was also excited that I had got out of the abusive relationship and was about to start my life again.  I also missed him, which is stupid.  I only missed the person I wanted him to be.  He would never be that person and I realised that over the years, but I still remembered the good times at the beginning.

One of the first things I did was mess the fridge up.  I know it sounds silly, but I got into trouble if I put food on the wrong shelf.  It was my way of gaining power back.  I also rebelled a bit with not having the house completely minimalist   I let the children play with their toys and didn’t put them away straight away.

I was actually surprised how good I felt.  I had finally escaped.

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Living with a Narcissist and dealing with domestic violence

I used to live with a narcissist over 15 years ago and his words and abuse still affect me now in so many ways.  I have two children with my ex partner and he still tries to control me now.  Over the years I have had cognitive behavioural therapy and taken antidepressants to help me and I still take them  now.  I was with my partner for 13 years.  After leaving my partner I had a number of failed relationships and funnily enough I picked the same type of person, it is not until I met my present partner that I now know what it feels like to be in love with someone who treats me well and will do anything for me.  Let me go back to how it was living with a narcissist who also abused me physically and mentally.

I was only 21 when I met my ex.  We knew each other previously and hung around with the same group of people.  He was the joker of the group and always the centre of attention.  We grew close and started dating.  In the beginning we got on well and although he used to belittle me in public it was done in a joking kind of way so I never took it personally.  Our relationship was ok nothing spectacular and eventually we decided to buy a house and move in together. This was when our problems started.

On the day we got the keys and moved in together he was very reluctant and when we were moving in he sat on his playstation playing.  I remember thinking he was just sad at moving and leaving home.  This was despite us being 28,  He started being very controlling, used to go mad when I put items on the wrong shelf in the fridge.  At the supermarket I always packed the bags wrong. Even now I get a bit twitchy when packing the bags and make sure I do it the correct way.  I wasn’t allowed to put my handbag next to my chair I always had to hang it up.  I just learned not to be scruffy as he called me and I just put this down to him being very tidy and house proud.

We rarely went out together and he spend a lot of time out with his friends.  He used to roll in in the early hours of the morning absolutely paralytic.  I used to have to wait until he fell asleep on the settee to go down and lock up and make sure the oven wasn’t on.  I used to wait until he was asleep as he was a very angry drunk and I didn’t want to provoke him.  This was a regular occurrence and we didn’t really have much of a relationship.  Sex was quick and I used to lie there thinking hurry up and let’s get it over it.  I knew that I would be safe for at least another month.

I don’t know when the domestic violence started.  I remember going away with university for the night and he hit me in my face before I went.  It was probably a silly argument but I was heartbroken,  He was never overly sorry when he hit me.  He always said it was my fault for winding him up.  I lived my life on edge.  Always worrying that I was upsetting him and I was always trying to keep the peace.  I remember often feeling upset and depressed and many times I packed my car up to go home.  I always came back he had a kind of hold on me.

Things seemed to get worse when I was pregnant with by daughter.  He used to tell me that all my friends hated me and talked about me behind my back and he knew a number of my ex boyfriends and they had all told him that I was crazy.  He made me feel useless and that this was my life and I needed to get on with it for the sake of my family.  My daughter was due to be born on my birthday.  That night he went out and didn’t come home.  I was scared and went home to my parents for the night as I was worried that I might come into labour.

My daughter didn’t want to be born and I had to be induced.  I was very apprehensive and I remember it had been raining and I put my bag on the floor,  I remember him screaming at me and making me cry on the way to the hospital.  I also remember when I was in labour he said “come on don’t be lazy”. Those words really hurt and the nurses were shocked at his words.

After my daughter was born.  It was all go.  The only problem was I was the only one doing all the work.  If I nipped into town shopping and left my daughter with my ex he used to telephone me and say hurry up I want to go out,  We used to have an arrangement at the weekend that we would take turns to get up with my daughter.  When it was his turn to lie in he used to roll down at mid day then get dressed and go out with his friends.  When it was my turn to lie in.  I would hear him crashing about down stairs sand shouting,  “the scruffy bitch, look at the mess you have left”. He would make so much noise that I would get up as I knew I was in for a shouting at and I wanted to get it over with.  Life continued this way.  I was miserable and went back to work 3 months after my daughter was born as I was training to be a solicitor and could only have that length of time off.  I worked 3 days a week.

When I was working and my ex looked after my daughter I used to come home to a load of abuse that he had had a busy day and needed a rest so I made the tea, bathed my daughter and put her to bed.  When it was my turn to look after my daughter.  He used or come home and say “what have you been doing all day?” So I used to make the tea, bath my daughter and put her to bed.  Life was hard but when my daughter was 6 months old I found out I was pregnant with my son.

After my son was born life got worse with my ex.  I remember one occasion when I had just come out of hospital after giving birth he put his hands around my throat and tried to strangle me while I was in the bath. Another time I had my son in my arms and he hit me.  I remember him pushing me downstairs once and I ended up at casualty as I thought he had broken my collarbone.  He also ripped the telephone wire out once her was drunk when I tried to ring my mum.  I loved my children more that the world but I realised I was stuck in a situation that there was no way out.  My partner was never sorry for the violence and put downs.  It was always my fault.  I never got the flowers after the violence, I was just made to feel crazy and inferior.  I didn’t tell anyone as I was terribly ashamed that I was allowing someone to treat me this way.  I was also ashamed that I was a solicitor and how could I let this happen.  He also made me feel inferior about my job.  He always said I wasn’t a proper solicitor as I only acted in the selling of houses and didn’t go to court.  It was a big achievement but he didn’t like me to be in a better job than him.

I always used to think he has done everything to me the only thing he hadn’t done that I knew was cheat on me. It sounded stupid and I don’t think most people would understand, I wanted him to cheat on me so I could finally leave him.  That wish come true a couple of weeks before my son was 1.  It was a Thursday night. My ex had gone out again.  He rolled in in the early hours.  I went down stairs in the morning and he was lying on the floor in the front room lying in his own urine.  His phone was next to him and there was a message from “Jack” saying “ don’t ring me now it’s the middle of the night speak to you tomorrow xxxx”. I found that odd, why would Jack end a text with some kisses. So I rang the number and I was a girl I knew.

I was in a blur.  I took the children to nursery and went to work.  About lunch time I went home picked the children up and went to my parents and rang him and told him to go.  That was it my wish had come true,

I will update the split up and life after in another future blog if it hasn’t bored you to death.
Please check out my other stories on my blog and follow my blog to keep you updated.

Please consider the children

Living in fear – Abusive Teenagers

I have been agonising as to whether I should write this post.  You wouldn’t understand who I am and why I am going through hell if I didn’t go into this.

I  will start at the beginning.  I had my children in my 30’s and while I was still with my abusive ex.  I also only left 15 months between the birth of my daughter and son. I had very little help from my ex and I will go into his behaviour at a later date.  I left and went to live on my own when my son was 1 and my daughter was 2.  I didn’t want to live like I was anymore.  I suffered domestic violence physically and mentally and I was a complete mess.  I didn’t want my children to grow up in a violent household.

My daughter has always wanted to be the centre of attention and when they were small my son had to stay in the cot crying while I attended to my daughter.  As she got older she was exactly the same. When It was someone else’s birthday she always spoilt it as the attention wasn’t on her.  We always put up with this and didn’t really see it as an issue but an annoyance.

I was on my own with the children for 6 years and when I finally found a boyfriend my daughter did every thing she could to split us up.  I had a number of failed relationships and my daughter was an issue.  I also picked the same kind of people to be in a relationship with,  the same type of people it was as if I was drawn to bad boys.  Men with baggage who didn’t treat me very well.

Over the years my daughter has been violent but the outbreaks were few and far between,  she had hit me a few times and even trapped my arm in the door.  It all brought back memories of her abusive dad and I hoped by leaving him early she wouldn’t follow his traits.  I never hit back as I don’t believe that violence solves anything.  The next morning she used to say “ can we forget it “ and for an easy life I did as I loved my daughter dearly and believed she didn’t mean it,  I blamed hormones, fights with her friend and pressures of school.  I was also ashamed that I let my daughter treat me this way.  I also tried my best to give her everything I could to make her happy, even if I didn’t have the money to do so.  I know looking back I was wrong, but it’s easy to say that looking in from the outside.  I just did what I could as a mum looking after two children on my own and working full time.

Finally I met my present partner who loves me with all his heart and would do anything for me and all of my family,  Things were great at first. I believe both my children like him a lot and I know he feels the same.  I think my daughter believed her nose was being pushed out and she wasn’t getting all the attention she believed she deserved. Over the last few months she has been verbally and physically abusive to the extent when she kicked off one night I called the police. She had hit me and poured water all over my iPad.  I felt ashamed and upset.  I was heart broken that I had to resort to this.  I felt the worst mother in the world.

That evening she sent me a text  saying she is getting mad all the time and needed help. She said she was always falling out with people and wanted to see the doctor,  and begged me to take her to the doctors,  I felt encouraged that she as was asking for help and immediately forgave her.  I took her to the doctors the next day and she was totally different to the night before she said she only said it to get her off being in trouble and said there was nothing wrong with her.  The doctor said he thought her exams may be stressing her out and he would give her a new contraceptive pill as that had helped in the past.  I was furious.  After that things went from bad to worst.

She only spoke to me when she wanted something.  Purposely left her things and dirty food plates lying around the house. She picked arguments with everything I said.  She called me horrendous names. I think the fact that I wasn’t agreeing to everything she wanted, actually saying no and not letting her get her own way was the catalyst to further bad behaviour,  she smashed items around the house that belonged to me and spoke to me like rubbish.  In fact home life was a nightmare and it was like we were walking on egg shells as to whether she would blow.  The final straw came when I was offered an operation for my bulging disc in my back.

After I came out of hospital her behaviour was terrible she said after one argument “ I am having my exams and I am supposed to get attention not you for your back”.  It couldn’t go on and one night she threw a glass of water over me and my partner while we were in bed.  She knew she was in trouble and went to live at her Dads. I believe he hasn’t helped with the situation and instead of talking to her and saying her behaviour was unacceptable.  He became very hostile and has ridiculed me and called me in front of her.  I believe this is a power thing as far as he is concerned.  He said the reason that she behaved the way she did is down to my failings.  I believe that she has inherited her fathers narcissist tendencies and his verbal abuse and the problem wasn’t all down to me. There is no point arguing with either of them.

No matter what she has done she is my daughter and I love her and all of this breaks my heart.  I have tried to contact her and tell her I love her.  It falls on deaf ears.  If I am nice they both see it as weakness.  I can not win.  I know we couldn’t have gone on as we had so I hope she realises what I have done for her in her life and we can get back on track.  Maybe a bit of space will do us good.  I can’t disown her I would never do. My heart breaks every day and I also cry every day but I hope she comes to her senses and we can be friends again in the future.

World Cup – if England get beaten so will she !!!!!

Saw this – read the poem its thought provoking

Domestic violence affects men too

I have been subjected to ted to domestic violence in the past and it still affects me mentally 15 years later.  Men are too embarrassed to admit they are affected by domestic violence which they shouldn’t be.  Share this and like this blog to publicise this


The World Cup and domestic violence


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