content="hM8ExV3vwnMbq8WOYtnPVhVotRR3rlHykM747QLefl0" />

An over thinkers guide to life, Puggles, family and so much more

Overthinking is a nightmare. Due to a back operation I have too much time on my hands and too much time to think. This is how I deal with it and survive

Tag: depression (Page 1 of 5)

Daily dairy – tell me why I don’t like mondays

Hello

I didn’t do much this weekend.  It flew though it’s soon Monday.  I am still doing half days and I am glad at the moment.

Just had a load of abuse from my daughter and ex. She wants money from me again and I said no and got a load of abuse. When will I learn that neither of them will ever change and I am now in tears again,  how the hell have I raised such a nasty spoilt person? Why do I let them both do this to me? Then let them blame everything on me and make me feel like I am the worst person in the world. He tells me that his life has changed dramatically since he has had his daughter.  That I have dumped her on him.  I have abandoned her.

I really couldn’t take any more.  Why do I have to put up with all this abuse ? My son doesn’t behave this way.  He is her Dad why should I have her ? I have put my life on hold for 16 years and because I love her. I still do very very much but I have more respect in myself than be treated like this.  I have done it for years.  Been verbally, mentally abused.  Told how rubbish I am at everything,  Am I a bad person because I have decided enough is enough?

I am a good mum.  I care very much and love very deeply.  I am a good person and always try to help and be as kind as I can to everyone,  I have my faults but I am not the person that they both say I am.  They have the problem not me,

Sorry  for my rambling but I am very hurt yet again.  I am not sending any more messages or contacting them again,

Being alone isn’t scary

I had a narcissist boyfriend he made my life a misery. I was on edge and I felt low as he put me down constantly. I put up with it for 13 years. Along with his violent behaviour.  He was cruel mentally and physically. I decided enough was enough when I found out that he was cheating on me. As if he hasn’t put me through enough.

He had made me feel so small that I was scared to be alone and thought I would be for the rest of my life. I turned out to be the best thing I ever did.  I was very lonely in our relationship and had never been so alone in my life. I left my ex and while it was strange at first but it was very empowering and the experiences that I had suffered in the long run has made me a much stronger and wiser person. The relationship damaged me in many ways. I don’t think I will ever be the same person as I was before. I don’t trust people and I am very paranoid. This has affected my relationships and I still suffer from this now. It’s only down to my boyfriend now that he doesn’t let this affect us.

Bad relationships are very damaging and my advise to anyone in this type of relationship is to get out while you can. Narcissists never change and staying will make you miserable. You only live once.



Living to please others

In the past this is how I lived my life. In past relationships I felt I had to please them and it got me down. I also used to be like that with my children. Especially my daughter. During my last relationship I felt that I was the only one who tried in the family. It was hard to please everyone and it really got me down. It was an impossible situation.

It’s amazing how now I don’t have to try and be like that anymore. My partner is amazing and we just get on. There is no effort. Also my son is a caring person. He has no agenda and we all life in harmony. After so much shit for so many years life is brilliant and if I can do it so can you.

Remember it’s impossible to please everyone all the time you tire yourself out and are miserable.

Suicide

Daily diary – I love you but don’t like you very much

D93EED4D-53D8-4892-A125-A1D8559C4D97

I am sure I have used this saying before. This is exactly how I feel at the moment. Me and my daughter have had a massive fall out again. The sad thing is it t took all of her being at my house for 10 minutes. I have always has massive issues with her when she is on her period. I have taken her to the doctors and he prescribed the contraception pill. It did seem to help her hormones, but she won’t take it and comes up with excuse after excuse not to take it. I am not saying it’s the answer to our problems but it certainly helps.

Anyway she decided she wanted to come tonight. I was looking forward to seeing her and she turned up mid afternoon. The door flew open and she nearly knocked the mirror off the wall. She walked in with a terrible attitude. I made a flippant remark asking what she had done to her phone as it is broken again. Thor was all I said and she absolutely flew off the handle and said she always hated me and still did and kicked the table into me bruising my leg. I am not taking this abuse anymore anymore so I told her to go home. It went from bad to worse. She told me she hated me and used a few things her Dad used to say over the years. I had to lock her out of the house and tell her to go as she said she was going to clatter me. I had to let her back in as she nearly broke the door and was swearing down th3 street. Ebertone could hear. She also said I have no friends because no one likes me. She also said I would loose my son too as he hates me too and lots more abuse.
I got her grandma to pick her up and then got a load of abuse from her Dad. He said I should put up with it as she is on her period.

I don’t care what time of the month it is but I am not taking physical and verbal abuse. She was saying many narcissist things which have come from her Dad. She carried on abusing me by text and I told her not to contact me until she learns some respect. Narcissists have a knack of blaming everything on you and I really believe that they believe this. I now feel very sad, low and upset. She has made me feel useless and very down.

I don’t know where we can go from here. I need to leave her to it as I can’t cope with the hurt and the nastiness and blame. Sorry for the down diary. It’s just been a bad o e. Roll on tomorrow bye xxx

Stress and anxiety

I used to live my life trying to please others and it made me feel terrible. It was an impossible situation. Especially with my children and previous boyfriends. I said I felt in the middle and I was the only person who tried and cared. It literally made me feel physically ill. I am not as bad these days but I still have this at the back of my head.

Please yourself, make yourself be happy

Daily diary – anxious

4B1BD761-3BAA-4057-B46F-2FB292D2886D

I have felt really anxious today and can’t put my finger on it. There are a number of reasons. The first one is I have had work ringing me asking me about some files of mine. Nothing to worry about and also an Estate Agent wanting to know when I am back at work. It’s becoming too real now. I have over 2 weeks left and I can’t worry till I go back. I need to try and put it at the back of my mind.

Secondly, my daughter is coming to stay for a few nights. I am worried she will come back with a cocky attitude and we will go back to square one. I am worried that we will argue and it will put strain on my boyfriend and son. As things have been good and we can’t go back to how things have been with my daughter. P

Been out in the car today.  Not gone too far but it’s been ok. So that’s moving forward too.

My Son

last night made me laugh I shouted him into my room before bed I said “good night I hope you sleep ok and I love you”.  He said “oh my god what the hell did you say that for”. My little boy has definitely grown up. He doesn’t like pleasantries anymore.

Its a short one tonight as I am tired and need to go to sleep. Good night speak tomorrow xxxx



If a narcissist has lost control

D9C78B0A-A098-43D1-A214-46C9FF2262E8

I am sick of always being skint. I am a reformed shopaholic but dealing with the consequences.

7BABB8CF-9C68-4E48-9933-3CC1E1257218

Most of my time that I am overthinking is due to worrying about money.  As the saying goes I am always robbing Peter to pay Paul.  It really gets me down,  it also embarrasses me that I earn a good wage these days but it all goes out paying off my debts.  It’s like a vicious circle.

I have agonised / overthinked a lot as to whether I should share this type of information on my blog as finances are private.  It would have helped me when I am feeling low and a disappointment to others that I am not alone.  That other people are in the same position and I shouldn’t be ashamed.

Yes it’s true I feel a big disappointment and I feel that I have let people down and more particularly my children.  When I think about it logically all I have done is spend money and bought nice things to make both myself and my children happy.  I think subconsciously I have over compensated with spending as I am guilty that things didn’t work out with their Dad and I have had to put them through raising them as a single parent. I was lucky my parents are still together and my parents have just celebrated being married for 50 years.  Which is a massive achievement.  My dad jokes he would have got less time in prison if he had murdered someone, but they are very happy.   I also think that spending money made me feel happy and gave me some sort of buzz, but I soon came down from the buzz when I thought about it and realised that I was going to struggle paying in the end.

I have also only had limited help from the children’s father.  He has paid me the minimum in maintenance and with his narcissist ways he has also made everyone think that he is a “wonder Dad”.  It has been far easier as far as I am concerned just to get on with things and pay myself, for school trips, uniform etc as contacting him asking him for money would give him power and it would then give him the chance to insult and abuse me and tell me what a failure I am. It has been hard raising the children on a part time wage for a number of years and the money has had to come from somewhere.  There are times when I have felt desperate.  Thought there was no way forward, but there have been a lot of things that I have done recently that have helped me. I will write a piece about what I have done to save money soon.

Once I get back on track I think I will feel a lot happier.  It has put a lot of restraints on our life for the last few years as I have had to deal with the consequences of overspending.  I think that I have spoilt my children and they have had most things that they want.  I had to put a stop to it and struggle for a few years so that things will  improve financial. I think this is one of the reasons my daughter has moved out because she isn’t able to get what she wants as I simply can’t afford it.  It’s sad that it’s come down to money.

If I could relive my life again I would have been more careful and but you can’t go back in time.  From now on I will be sensible and if I haven’t got the money in my bank and can’t afford it I will go without and save for it if need be.



Life immediately after leaving a narcissist and domestic abuser.

I was a wreck when I finally chucked him out.  It happened nearly 15 years ago but it is so vivid.  I was 32 was a working mother with 2 children ages 1 and 2.  I had just qualified as a solicitor and there were only 15 months between my 2 children.  Despite this and life being hard it was the best thing that I ever did.  I was the start of my long recovery.  It was a long recovery and to tell you the truth I didn’t think I will ever be the same again.  Please don’t feel that you have no hope after being with a narcissist, but unfortunately your life will be changed for ever.  Not always in a bad way.  It is true it makes you a stronger person.  I always think about the words to the Jamilia song thank you.

Thank You
The fights, those nights
I tried to pretend it don’t hurt
The way, I prayed
Someday that you would love me
Really, completely
Just how I wanted it to be
But no, so wrong
Can’t believe I stayed with you so long
You hit, you spit, you split, ever-why bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you’re cold
You’re such a joke to me, yeah
For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just want to tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you
My head, near dead
Just the way you wanted it
My soul, stone cold
’cause I was under you’re control
So young, so dumb
Knew just how to make me succumb
But I un-derstand
To make yourself feel like a man
You hit, you spit, you split, ever-why bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you’re cold
You’re such a joke to me, yeah
For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just want to tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you
You coulda had it all babe
It coulda been so right
I woulda given you everything
Morning through night
Yeah, you taught me some lessons
Those are my blessings
That won’t happen again
Thank you
Songwriters: Carsten Schack / Jamelia Davis / Peter Biker
Thank You lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

I am not a massive Jamilia fan, but this is exactly what has happened to me I have come out of this stronger.  I can say that now 15 years later. It didn’t happen overnight and I have made mistakes since.  I did get involved with another narcissist years later, but I handled things better.

My ex moved out of the house and back to his parents and I went back to my house after staying with my parents for a few days.  I had a mix of emotions.  I was nervous and apprehensive as I was alone with my children, but to be fair I did most things for them anyway.  I was also excited that I had got out of the abusive relationship and was about to start my life again.  I also missed him, which is stupid.  I only missed the person I wanted him to be.  He would never be that person and I realised that over the years, but I still remembered the good times at the beginning.

One of the first things I did was mess the fridge up.  I know it sounds silly, but I got into trouble if I put food on the wrong shelf.  It was my way of gaining power back.  I also rebelled a bit with not having the house completely minimalist   I let the children play with their toys and didn’t put them away straight away.

I was actually surprised how good I felt.  I had finally escaped.

If you like this blog post please look out as I am posting similar ones. Please add to follow me and check out my other posts

 



Page 1 of 5

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén

%d bloggers like this: