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An over thinkers guide to life, Puggles, family and so much more

Overthinking is a nightmare. Due to a back operation I have too much time on my hands and too much time to think. This is how I deal with it and survive

Tag: depression (Page 1 of 5)

I hope people will eventually see the truth

Daily diary- not the best news

Hello

I have been to see the specialist today for my check up after my operation and he said I need another scan on my back as I shouldn’t be experiencing pain in my right leg like I am. He had nothing else to say and couldn’t explain why I felt like this until he had the results of the scan. I was really upset and I thought the operation was the end of the pain and now we are 3 months down the road and I am in as much pain in not worse. I tried not to cry in front of him and I felt my lip shaking as I left the hospital as I was trying to hold back the tears. I got in the car and we drove in silence for 5 minutes then I said to my boyfriend “why don’t you just leave me now! You could find a fit healthy girlfriend instead of a disabled one who can’t even lift a washing basket.” He said “don’t be stupid I don’t want anyone else I love you”.

I will have to see how I go on take the pain killers and get on with it. There is no point feeling sorry for myself as I am lucky. A lot of people suffer from a lot worse. It is easy to feel depressed but I am going to try and not let it get me down.

There is no news with Lily and her pregnancy. There are no tell take signs that she is starting with her labour. We could do with her having her puppies this weekend, but nothing usually goes to plan. It is lovely putting your hand on Lily’s tummy and feeling the puppies move round. I obviously only gently do this. She looks so sad though. I think she will be glad to give birth. I would be more than sad if I had over 4 babies in my stomach.

Right I am off xxxxx

Don’t feel bad

This quote is amazing. It is easy to feel bad for your decisions. You can not please all people all the time. Tying to do so makes you very unhappy. I did this for many years and it made me ill. Both mentally and physically.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off me now I know this. You have to make decisions in life that don’t sit well with everyone. You have to be true to yourself and be as fair as you can and that is all. As long as you believe you are doing rhe right thing is all that you can do. I hope this helps someone. As maybe if I had realised sooner it might have spared a lot of heartache.

Daily dairy – tell me why I don’t like mondays

Hello

I didn’t do much this weekend.  It flew though it’s soon Monday.  I am still doing half days and I am glad at the moment.

Just had a load of abuse from my daughter and ex. She wants money from me again and I said no and got a load of abuse. When will I learn that neither of them will ever change and I am now in tears again,  how the hell have I raised such a nasty spoilt person? Why do I let them both do this to me? Then let them blame everything on me and make me feel like I am the worst person in the world. He tells me that his life has changed dramatically since he has had his daughter.  That I have dumped her on him.  I have abandoned her.

I really couldn’t take any more.  Why do I have to put up with all this abuse ? My son doesn’t behave this way.  He is her Dad why should I have her ? I have put my life on hold for 16 years and because I love her. I still do very very much but I have more respect in myself than be treated like this.  I have done it for years.  Been verbally, mentally abused.  Told how rubbish I am at everything,  Am I a bad person because I have decided enough is enough?

I am a good mum.  I care very much and love very deeply.  I am a good person and always try to help and be as kind as I can to everyone,  I have my faults but I am not the person that they both say I am.  They have the problem not me,

Sorry  for my rambling but I am very hurt yet again.  I am not sending any more messages or contacting them again,

Being alone isn’t scary

I had a narcissist boyfriend he made my life a misery. I was on edge and I felt low as he put me down constantly. I put up with it for 13 years. Along with his violent behaviour.  He was cruel mentally and physically. I decided enough was enough when I found out that he was cheating on me. As if he hasn’t put me through enough.

He had made me feel so small that I was scared to be alone and thought I would be for the rest of my life. I turned out to be the best thing I ever did.  I was very lonely in our relationship and had never been so alone in my life. I left my ex and while it was strange at first but it was very empowering and the experiences that I had suffered in the long run has made me a much stronger and wiser person. The relationship damaged me in many ways. I don’t think I will ever be the same person as I was before. I don’t trust people and I am very paranoid. This has affected my relationships and I still suffer from this now. It’s only down to my boyfriend now that he doesn’t let this affect us.

Bad relationships are very damaging and my advise to anyone in this type of relationship is to get out while you can. Narcissists never change and staying will make you miserable. You only live once.



Living to please others

In the past this is how I lived my life. In past relationships I felt I had to please them and it got me down. I also used to be like that with my children. Especially my daughter. During my last relationship I felt that I was the only one who tried in the family. It was hard to please everyone and it really got me down. It was an impossible situation.

It’s amazing how now I don’t have to try and be like that anymore. My partner is amazing and we just get on. There is no effort. Also my son is a caring person. He has no agenda and we all life in harmony. After so much shit for so many years life is brilliant and if I can do it so can you.

Remember it’s impossible to please everyone all the time you tire yourself out and are miserable.

Suicide

Daily diary – I love you but don’t like you very much

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I am sure I have used this saying before. This is exactly how I feel at the moment. Me and my daughter have had a massive fall out again. The sad thing is it t took all of her being at my house for 10 minutes. I have always has massive issues with her when she is on her period. I have taken her to the doctors and he prescribed the contraception pill. It did seem to help her hormones, but she won’t take it and comes up with excuse after excuse not to take it. I am not saying it’s the answer to our problems but it certainly helps.

Anyway she decided she wanted to come tonight. I was looking forward to seeing her and she turned up mid afternoon. The door flew open and she nearly knocked the mirror off the wall. She walked in with a terrible attitude. I made a flippant remark asking what she had done to her phone as it is broken again. Thor was all I said and she absolutely flew off the handle and said she always hated me and still did and kicked the table into me bruising my leg. I am not taking this abuse anymore anymore so I told her to go home. It went from bad to worse. She told me she hated me and used a few things her Dad used to say over the years. I had to lock her out of the house and tell her to go as she said she was going to clatter me. I had to let her back in as she nearly broke the door and was swearing down th3 street. Ebertone could hear. She also said I have no friends because no one likes me. She also said I would loose my son too as he hates me too and lots more abuse.
I got her grandma to pick her up and then got a load of abuse from her Dad. He said I should put up with it as she is on her period.

I don’t care what time of the month it is but I am not taking physical and verbal abuse. She was saying many narcissist things which have come from her Dad. She carried on abusing me by text and I told her not to contact me until she learns some respect. Narcissists have a knack of blaming everything on you and I really believe that they believe this. I now feel very sad, low and upset. She has made me feel useless and very down.

I don’t know where we can go from here. I need to leave her to it as I can’t cope with the hurt and the nastiness and blame. Sorry for the down diary. It’s just been a bad o e. Roll on tomorrow bye xxx

Stress and anxiety

I used to live my life trying to please others and it made me feel terrible. It was an impossible situation. Especially with my children and previous boyfriends. I said I felt in the middle and I was the only person who tried and cared. It literally made me feel physically ill. I am not as bad these days but I still have this at the back of my head.

Please yourself, make yourself be happy

Daily diary – anxious

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I have felt really anxious today and can’t put my finger on it. There are a number of reasons. The first one is I have had work ringing me asking me about some files of mine. Nothing to worry about and also an Estate Agent wanting to know when I am back at work. It’s becoming too real now. I have over 2 weeks left and I can’t worry till I go back. I need to try and put it at the back of my mind.

Secondly, my daughter is coming to stay for a few nights. I am worried she will come back with a cocky attitude and we will go back to square one. I am worried that we will argue and it will put strain on my boyfriend and son. As things have been good and we can’t go back to how things have been with my daughter. P

Been out in the car today.  Not gone too far but it’s been ok. So that’s moving forward too.

My Son

last night made me laugh I shouted him into my room before bed I said “good night I hope you sleep ok and I love you”.  He said “oh my god what the hell did you say that for”. My little boy has definitely grown up. He doesn’t like pleasantries anymore.

Its a short one tonight as I am tired and need to go to sleep. Good night speak tomorrow xxxx



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