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An over thinkers guide to life, Puggles, family and so much more

Overthinking is a nightmare. Due to a back operation I have too much time on my hands and too much time to think. This is how I deal with it and survive

Tag: abuse

No more shit today please

I have been very quiet on here lately, but it’s not been quiet at home. My daughter came back a month ago.  After a fall out it’s her dad. She accused him of hitting her and I don’t doubt her one bit.  That’s what he does.  She was lovely for a while but the old traits have started to return.  I have also been having a battle with him about money.  He won’t give me any.  So been struggling this month.

It all come to a head on Thursday my daughter and her brother ended up fighting.  She had been particularly nasty and doesn’t have any qualms about calling me a fat bitch or a slag.  My son was sticking up for me which he does.  Anyway she ended up kicking me across the room.  I asked her dad to pick her up and he refused and he told me to call the police which I did.  The police man spoke to her and she was crying.  I told him I didn’t want to press charges and hoped the taking too had made her realise she can’t behave like that.  I know she has learnt her abusive behaviour from her dad, but she is 16  and it isn’t an excuse.  After then police man had gone she apologised, but didn’t mean it and carried on being the same.

Friday she was ok, she cleaned up and I thought maybe she it had sunk in,  yesterday she woke up in a bad mood.  Her dad had lied to her and said he didn’t tell he me to call the police.  It was a down right lie and some how she has believed it.  It frustrates me that no matter what happens her Dad is wonderful in her eyes and can’t do wrong.  He may hit her but she forgets it.  He is a horrible person and in a way I can understand this.  I lived with years of  abuse and he convinced me it was me who was wrong not him.  He messed with my mind and by the end of our relationship I didn’t know what what’s going on.  I needed years of therapy to live a normal life.  I have tried to help her.  Take her to the doctor but she says that there is nothing wrong with her.  I think she has learned his narcissistic ways and uses them on me. As that’s what he does.  It’s so sad but I am at a loss what to do.

She was plain nasty yesterday she got into another fight with her brother and because I didn’t stick up for her she called me a fat bitch and a slag.  I told her to go to her Dads and move off the settee she wouldn’t listen.  So we went out to a friends.  I decided I wouldn’t speak to her when I got back as I am sick of the abuse.  She tried to act like nothing had happened, but the name calling and abuse is too much to put up with.  She had fallen out with her dad too but by the end of it she told him what he wanted to hear and he transferred some money into her account. She told him she will live half and half at our houses.  So he doesn’t need to pay me anything.   I saw the text and I am furious as she knows how I struggle.  They are both stupid as my son lives with me and he is supposed to pay for him !!! I will save that battle for another day.  I am tired and sick of it all.

Today I am taking no shit off anyone.

This is so sad. Domestic violence is heartbreaking

Living with a Narcissist and dealing with domestic violence

I used to live with a narcissist over 15 years ago and his words and abuse still affect me now in so many ways.  I have two children with my ex partner and he still tries to control me now.  Over the years I have had cognitive behavioural therapy and taken antidepressants to help me and I still take them  now.  I was with my partner for 13 years.  After leaving my partner I had a number of failed relationships and funnily enough I picked the same type of person, it is not until I met my present partner that I now know what it feels like to be in love with someone who treats me well and will do anything for me.  Let me go back to how it was living with a narcissist who also abused me physically and mentally.

I was only 21 when I met my ex.  We knew each other previously and hung around with the same group of people.  He was the joker of the group and always the centre of attention.  We grew close and started dating.  In the beginning we got on well and although he used to belittle me in public it was done in a joking kind of way so I never took it personally.  Our relationship was ok nothing spectacular and eventually we decided to buy a house and move in together. This was when our problems started.

On the day we got the keys and moved in together he was very reluctant and when we were moving in he sat on his playstation playing.  I remember thinking he was just sad at moving and leaving home.  This was despite us being 28,  He started being very controlling, used to go mad when I put items on the wrong shelf in the fridge.  At the supermarket I always packed the bags wrong. Even now I get a bit twitchy when packing the bags and make sure I do it the correct way.  I wasn’t allowed to put my handbag next to my chair I always had to hang it up.  I just learned not to be scruffy as he called me and I just put this down to him being very tidy and house proud.

We rarely went out together and he spend a lot of time out with his friends.  He used to roll in in the early hours of the morning absolutely paralytic.  I used to have to wait until he fell asleep on the settee to go down and lock up and make sure the oven wasn’t on.  I used to wait until he was asleep as he was a very angry drunk and I didn’t want to provoke him.  This was a regular occurrence and we didn’t really have much of a relationship.  Sex was quick and I used to lie there thinking hurry up and let’s get it over it.  I knew that I would be safe for at least another month.

I don’t know when the domestic violence started.  I remember going away with university for the night and he hit me in my face before I went.  It was probably a silly argument but I was heartbroken,  He was never overly sorry when he hit me.  He always said it was my fault for winding him up.  I lived my life on edge.  Always worrying that I was upsetting him and I was always trying to keep the peace.  I remember often feeling upset and depressed and many times I packed my car up to go home.  I always came back he had a kind of hold on me.

Things seemed to get worse when I was pregnant with by daughter.  He used to tell me that all my friends hated me and talked about me behind my back and he knew a number of my ex boyfriends and they had all told him that I was crazy.  He made me feel useless and that this was my life and I needed to get on with it for the sake of my family.  My daughter was due to be born on my birthday.  That night he went out and didn’t come home.  I was scared and went home to my parents for the night as I was worried that I might come into labour.

My daughter didn’t want to be born and I had to be induced.  I was very apprehensive and I remember it had been raining and I put my bag on the floor,  I remember him screaming at me and making me cry on the way to the hospital.  I also remember when I was in labour he said “come on don’t be lazy”. Those words really hurt and the nurses were shocked at his words.

After my daughter was born.  It was all go.  The only problem was I was the only one doing all the work.  If I nipped into town shopping and left my daughter with my ex he used to telephone me and say hurry up I want to go out,  We used to have an arrangement at the weekend that we would take turns to get up with my daughter.  When it was his turn to lie in he used to roll down at mid day then get dressed and go out with his friends.  When it was my turn to lie in.  I would hear him crashing about down stairs sand shouting,  “the scruffy bitch, look at the mess you have left”. He would make so much noise that I would get up as I knew I was in for a shouting at and I wanted to get it over with.  Life continued this way.  I was miserable and went back to work 3 months after my daughter was born as I was training to be a solicitor and could only have that length of time off.  I worked 3 days a week.

When I was working and my ex looked after my daughter I used to come home to a load of abuse that he had had a busy day and needed a rest so I made the tea, bathed my daughter and put her to bed.  When it was my turn to look after my daughter.  He used or come home and say “what have you been doing all day?” So I used to make the tea, bath my daughter and put her to bed.  Life was hard but when my daughter was 6 months old I found out I was pregnant with my son.

After my son was born life got worse with my ex.  I remember one occasion when I had just come out of hospital after giving birth he put his hands around my throat and tried to strangle me while I was in the bath. Another time I had my son in my arms and he hit me.  I remember him pushing me downstairs once and I ended up at casualty as I thought he had broken my collarbone.  He also ripped the telephone wire out once her was drunk when I tried to ring my mum.  I loved my children more that the world but I realised I was stuck in a situation that there was no way out.  My partner was never sorry for the violence and put downs.  It was always my fault.  I never got the flowers after the violence, I was just made to feel crazy and inferior.  I didn’t tell anyone as I was terribly ashamed that I was allowing someone to treat me this way.  I was also ashamed that I was a solicitor and how could I let this happen.  He also made me feel inferior about my job.  He always said I wasn’t a proper solicitor as I only acted in the selling of houses and didn’t go to court.  It was a big achievement but he didn’t like me to be in a better job than him.

I always used to think he has done everything to me the only thing he hadn’t done that I knew was cheat on me. It sounded stupid and I don’t think most people would understand, I wanted him to cheat on me so I could finally leave him.  That wish come true a couple of weeks before my son was 1.  It was a Thursday night. My ex had gone out again.  He rolled in in the early hours.  I went down stairs in the morning and he was lying on the floor in the front room lying in his own urine.  His phone was next to him and there was a message from “Jack” saying “ don’t ring me now it’s the middle of the night speak to you tomorrow xxxx”. I found that odd, why would Jack end a text with some kisses. So I rang the number and I was a girl I knew.

I was in a blur.  I took the children to nursery and went to work.  About lunch time I went home picked the children up and went to my parents and rang him and told him to go.  That was it my wish had come true,

I will update the split up and life after in another future blog if it hasn’t bored you to death.
Please check out my other stories on my blog and follow my blog to keep you updated.



Living with a Narcissist

4A0C90F9-02AA-4836-AFAF-0DE101C37DBCI lived with a narcissist for a number of years and although I moved out over 14 years ago this still effects me in so many ways.  I didn’t realise that he was a narcissist when I lived with him but the more I read about it the more I realise that I was living with a narcissist.

The definition in the dictionary of a narcissist is an extremely self centred person who has an exaggerated sense of self importance. 

I always believed that my ex partner was extremely cocky and loved himself.  He enjoyed belittling me in public and I think it was his way of showing that he had power over me.  I should have realised that he was from a narcissist family as his father was the same and his mother and she was spoken to like rubbish all the time.  It was a massive warning flag but I was young, only 21 in fact and just wanted him to love me.

He often belittled me in a joking way, but it wasn’t a joke.  At the end of my 13 year relationship he made me feel like I was nothing.  He told me that all my friends hated me and said they often spoke about me behind my back.  He also told me that I was mad and everyone told him this.  He made me feel like I was lucky to be with him and that if I left I would be on my own for the rest of my life.  He also made me feel alone and that he was the only person who would put up with me.  He was also abusive to me both mentally and physically.

His cruel words were untrue.  I finally built up the courage to leave him when my son was one years old.  This was due to the fact that I found out he was seeing someone else.  It was the best thing that could have happened. It made me deal with the abuse and start to lead a life on my own.

The problem that I have is that I have children with my ex and he still tries to control me some 14 years later.  I will go further into this in a future blog.  As a result of his control and narcissistic tendencies I have had to go to therapy which has helped me a lot and I am still taking antidepressants.  A lot of my problems are due to the fact that my partner has made me feel like I am worthless, I am a bad mum, I am bad at my job and so it goes on.  Maybe this is the reason for my mind analysing everything I do and my overthinking every situation.  I have also been made to feel that I am a weak person and the reason why my children misbehave / have issues is down to me.  When in reality a lot of their issues are down to their father.  I also blame the fact that my daughter will not talk to me down to my ex partner.

I left my partner as I couldn’t put up with his behaviour and abuse but I am afraid to say that my daughter displays the same tendencies and I will go into this more in a future post.  I have tried to make her realise that how she behaves is wrong, but as she has her father speaking in her ear telling her I am wrong, a bad mother, not a nice person, bad at my job and the list goes on.  It’s a vicious circle and he has now regained his  power that he wanted as my daughter is living with him.  I hope my influence on her and the years I have brought my daughter up alone may have helped her but at the present time I believe that she is under his spell.

If anyone reading this is in a similar relationship please leave, please get out, please escape as things will never change.  He won’t suddenly become the person you want him to be. Don’t listen to his cruel words.  You aren’t useless, you aren’t worthless and you won’t be alone for the rest of your life.  He is wrong, he is the weak person as what kind of person needs to belittle someone else to make them feel powerful and in control.  He is the one with the problem not.

I am not a medical expert.  I am a normal person who has experienced living with a narcissist and I know how you feel.

Please contact me if you want to talk.  I am here and have been there.  I am a lot stronger and I do not believe the nasty out downs anymore, I ignore the text messages, although I keep them if I ever need them in the future.

 

 

I am not a failure

I have had years for abuse from my ex partner, whether it’s physical or mental.  In recent years it’s been mental.  I have brought 2 children up on my own for many years.  As many of you may be aware my daughter has moved out to live with her Dad.  He has been a nightmare telling me how much of a failure I am.  These words cut deep as I have struggled for many years believing what he has said,  I now have lost my daughter and he will be telling her the same things about me.

I have been a good mum and tried to make a stable and nice home for my daughter.  I am not a failure and I have to believe that.  I have to cut myself off from it all and live my life.  I hope one day my daughter will realise how much I love her and that everything I have done over the years has been for her. I have done this despite the cruel nasty words that I have had to contend with.

Deep down I know that her Dad abuses others to he feels better about himself.  It’s a power trip and as I am a sensitive caring person I believe what he says,  I love my daughter and would do anything for her but she has to make her own mistakes and hopefully she won’t be brainwashed completely and see what I have done over the years,

It’s so hard being a Mum especially in these circumstances and one day I really hope to have a relationship with my daughter.  I am sure many people feel the same and are going through the same situation.  We can’t let them win and need to look into our hearts and know that we have spent every waking hour doing our best and raising our children to be wonderful grounded adults.  Our kind and loving influence with have made a mark somewhere and all the love, time effort and compassion will make are children into better adults.

I just need my daughter to hear these words “I love you !!!!!! “

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