87AADC47-F423-4D05-8DA2-029DFFA6BB49My boyfriend is a saint.  He has to deal with so much as having a relationship with someone who overthinks every situation and trusts no one.

When I left my narcissistic ex I desperately wanted a new boyfriend some one to love me and treat me correctly.  It was too soon as I needed to like myself first.  I had a very low self esteem and didn’t like myself.  I thought I was fat and hated to look in the mirror.  I have had problems in the past prior to meeting my ex and at 13 years old I was hospitalised as I had anorexia and I weighed 3 stone 11 Ibs.  I looked like I had been in a concentration camp. It was a long journey and I will go into this more in another blog.  Although I had recovered, well I should haven’t used that word.  You never recover. Although I had gained weight and was feeling better I still hated myself.  My ex knew about my problems and he loved to call me fat at every opportunity.  Therefore I left this relationship hating myself physically as well as mentally.

I had a couple of one night stands, met a few people on nights out, although I never slept with them,  I was scared to take things further.  I also had a couple of dates with a lad I met on friends reunited dating.  He was really nice, but I couldn’t handle nice as I had never been treated like that before and I found it creepy.  I have a thing with shoes.  If someone has horrible shoes on I can not go out with them.  When I came back from my date.  My friend said “did you see the loops on his laces?, they were massive”.  That was it and I ended it.

I decided I needed to be alone with my children.  Which I was for 6 years.  After that I used to go on my space website and got talking to a lad about music.  I met up with him and we started dating.  We dated for a number of years, but he had his issues.  Mainly he was bording on being an alcoholic.  We had a love of music and enjoyed going to be gigs.  But that was it.  We had no future and couldn’t handle my insecurities.

I then went straight into a relationship with someone who I had dated previously 20 years earlier,  I had been warned about him by many people. I went ahead anyway and he was very much like my ex.  He never said anything nice to me, put me down.  He acted as though he was embarrassed to be with me. He cheated on me and was very manipulative and I ended up dating him for a number of years, moving in with him.  Spending a fortune on his house and then I left and had to start again.  I moved back home  and had to buy all new furniture.  This is one of the reasons why I am struggling financially now.

I then went straight into another relationship with a nice accountant.  I believed I needed nice.  He really wasn’t for me and everyone could see that.  He had just split up with his wife and had lots of issues.  I think we just helped each other through difficult times,

As you can see my relationship history was terrible,  I was emotionally scared and had given up hope of ever finding anyone who I loved and loved me.  I always felt I had to go out of my way to please everyone whether it was at a detriment to me.  I constantly needed reassurance and my brain worked overtime. Felt constantly on edge and sent a lot of time arguing and crying.  I decided that I was better being on my own.  I had lots of friends and was busy with my children and didn’t need or want anymore stress and upset.

I also had massive trust issues.  I have massive barriers up as I had been hurt so many times in the past.  No one was getting into my heart and hurting me again.  Then my night in shining armour came into my life.  I knew my present boyfriend over 25 years ago.  He used to date a friend.  We got back in touch after a tragic death of a mutual friend.  We got talking and within a couple of months he moved in with me.  He tells me every day that he loves me and would do anything for me or my family.  He is calm and laid back which is what I need.  I do get silly thoughts in my head. He said he thinks I have 2 brains as one couldn’t possibly think so much.  I do get paranoid that he doesn’t love me and wants to be with someone else.  Rather than shout at me he reassures me, tells me he loves me.  I have gradually let the barriers down and can say I do trust him. Although I often overthink situations and question him about whether he will let me down. He is great and takes it in his stride.

I get stressed when he does anything for me and that he will be mad with me for stupid things like, “are you mad at me because you didn’t like tea?”, “are you mad at me for loosing my car keys? “ . He just reassures me and says “why on earth am I mad at you? I love you”.

He also is very patient as I am very independent as I have had to be.  I like to do everything myself.  He understands why I am like this.  He understands my issues with the children, my ex and he stands back when I am having issues, doesn’t get involved, unless I want him to and then gives me all the reassurance I need. This has been very difficult for him especially with my daughter.  He never judges me, which I have never had before.  I often say to him “I look fat,” he says “ you are beautiful and I love you the way you are”.  This is a massive issue for me.  I have felt not good enough in the past and I am lucky to have a boyfriend as I am fat.  In reality I am of average size and wear size 14 uk size clothes.  I am now starting to feel like he loves me for me.

I have a funny way of thinking about things and I know my thoughts are irrational and not normal.  This is due to circumstances and how terrible I have felt about myself in the past.  I am now learning to accept myself for me flaws and all.  In the past I never thought love in a relationship was real.  I have never really been in love.  I though I deserved the treatment that I have received. That I was the problem in relationships and that there was something wrong with me.  I now know that is not the case.  It was my ex’s who have the problems and unfortunately I had been meeting the same sort of people.  It was a vicious circle and I have finally escaped.  It can be done and I am here to tell you that if you feel you have lost hope.  Love is out there and be patient, don’t force a relationship and if it doesn’t feel right get out.  If he doesn’t make you feel loved and special everyday don’t waste your time and energy on them.  You can’t change people for what you want them to be.

As the saying goes you sometimes need to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.