Most of my time that I am overthinking is due to worrying about money.  As the saying goes I am always robbing Peter to pay Paul.  It really gets me down,  it also embarrasses me that I earn a good wage these days but it all goes out paying off my debts.  It’s like a vicious circle.

I have agonised / overthinked a lot as to whether I should share this type of information on my blog as finances are private.  It would have helped me when I am feeling low and a disappointment to others that I am not alone.  That other people are in the same position and I shouldn’t be ashamed.

Yes it’s true I feel a big disappointment and I feel that I have let people down and more particularly my children.  When I think about it logically all I have done is spend money and bought nice things to make both myself and my children happy.  I think subconsciously I have over compensated with spending as I am guilty that things didn’t work out with their Dad and I have had to put them through raising them as a single parent. I was lucky my parents are still together and my parents have just celebrated being married for 50 years.  Which is a massive achievement.  My dad jokes he would have got less time in prison if he had murdered someone, but they are very happy.   I also think that spending money made me feel happy and gave me some sort of buzz, but I soon came down from the buzz when I thought about it and realised that I was going to struggle paying in the end.

I have also only had limited help from the children’s father.  He has paid me the minimum in maintenance and with his narcissist ways he has also made everyone think that he is a “wonder Dad”.  It has been far easier as far as I am concerned just to get on with things and pay myself, for school trips, uniform etc as contacting him asking him for money would give him power and it would then give him the chance to insult and abuse me and tell me what a failure I am. It has been hard raising the children on a part time wage for a number of years and the money has had to come from somewhere.  There are times when I have felt desperate.  Thought there was no way forward, but there have been a lot of things that I have done recently that have helped me. I will write a piece about what I have done to save money soon.

Once I get back on track I think I will feel a lot happier.  It has put a lot of restraints on our life for the last few years as I have had to deal with the consequences of overspending.  I think that I have spoilt my children and they have had most things that they want.  I had to put a stop to it and struggle for a few years so that things will  improve financial. I think this is one of the reasons my daughter has moved out because she isn’t able to get what she wants as I simply can’t afford it.  It’s sad that it’s come down to money.

If I could relive my life again I would have been more careful and but you can’t go back in time.  From now on I will be sensible and if I haven’t got the money in my bank and can’t afford it I will go without and save for it if need be.