I was a wreck when I finally chucked him out.  It happened nearly 15 years ago but it is so vivid.  I was 32 was a working mother with 2 children ages 1 and 2.  I had just qualified as a solicitor and there were only 15 months between my 2 children.  Despite this and life being hard it was the best thing that I ever did.  I was the start of my long recovery.  It was a long recovery and to tell you the truth I didn’t think I will ever be the same again.  Please don’t feel that you have no hope after being with a narcissist, but unfortunately your life will be changed for ever.  Not always in a bad way.  It is true it makes you a stronger person.  I always think about the words to the Jamilia song thank you.

Thank You
The fights, those nights
I tried to pretend it don’t hurt
The way, I prayed
Someday that you would love me
Really, completely
Just how I wanted it to be
But no, so wrong
Can’t believe I stayed with you so long
You hit, you spit, you split, ever-why bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you’re cold
You’re such a joke to me, yeah
For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just want to tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you
My head, near dead
Just the way you wanted it
My soul, stone cold
’cause I was under you’re control
So young, so dumb
Knew just how to make me succumb
But I un-derstand
To make yourself feel like a man
You hit, you spit, you split, ever-why bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you’re cold
You’re such a joke to me, yeah
For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just want to tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you
You coulda had it all babe
It coulda been so right
I woulda given you everything
Morning through night
Yeah, you taught me some lessons
Those are my blessings
That won’t happen again
Thank you
Songwriters: Carsten Schack / Jamelia Davis / Peter Biker
Thank You lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

I am not a massive Jamilia fan, but this is exactly what has happened to me I have come out of this stronger.  I can say that now 15 years later. It didn’t happen overnight and I have made mistakes since.  I did get involved with another narcissist years later, but I handled things better.

My ex moved out of the house and back to his parents and I went back to my house after staying with my parents for a few days.  I had a mix of emotions.  I was nervous and apprehensive as I was alone with my children, but to be fair I did most things for them anyway.  I was also excited that I had got out of the abusive relationship and was about to start my life again.  I also missed him, which is stupid.  I only missed the person I wanted him to be.  He would never be that person and I realised that over the years, but I still remembered the good times at the beginning.

One of the first things I did was mess the fridge up.  I know it sounds silly, but I got into trouble if I put food on the wrong shelf.  It was my way of gaining power back.  I also rebelled a bit with not having the house completely minimalist   I let the children play with their toys and didn’t put them away straight away.

I was actually surprised how good I felt.  I had finally escaped.

If you like this blog post please look out as I am posting similar ones. Please add to follow me and check out my other posts