I used to live with a narcissist over 15 years ago and his words and abuse still affect me now in so many ways. I have two children with my ex partner and he still tries to control me now. Over the years I have had cognitive behavioural therapy and taken antidepressants to help me and I still take them now. I was with my partner for 13 years. After leaving my partner I had a number of failed relationships and funnily enough I picked the same type of person, it is not until I met my present partner that I now know what it feels like to be in love with someone who treats me well and will do anything for me. Let me go back to how it was living with a narcissist who also abused me physically and mentally.
I was only 21 when I met my ex. We knew each other previously and hung around with the same group of people. He was the joker of the group and always the centre of attention. We grew close and started dating. In the beginning we got on well and although he used to belittle me in public it was done in a joking kind of way so I never took it personally. Our relationship was ok nothing spectacular and eventually we decided to buy a house and move in together. This was when our problems started.
On the day we got the keys and moved in together he was very reluctant and when we were moving in he sat on his playstation playing. I remember thinking he was just sad at moving and leaving home. This was despite us being 28, He started being very controlling, used to go mad when I put items on the wrong shelf in the fridge. At the supermarket I always packed the bags wrong. Even now I get a bit twitchy when packing the bags and make sure I do it the correct way. I wasn’t allowed to put my handbag next to my chair I always had to hang it up. I just learned not to be scruffy as he called me and I just put this down to him being very tidy and house proud.
We rarely went out together and he spend a lot of time out with his friends. He used to roll in in the early hours of the morning absolutely paralytic. I used to have to wait until he fell asleep on the settee to go down and lock up and make sure the oven wasn’t on. I used to wait until he was asleep as he was a very angry drunk and I didn’t want to provoke him. This was a regular occurrence and we didn’t really have much of a relationship. Sex was quick and I used to lie there thinking hurry up and let’s get it over it. I knew that I would be safe for at least another month.
I don’t know when the domestic violence started. I remember going away with university for the night and he hit me in my face before I went. It was probably a silly argument but I was heartbroken, He was never overly sorry when he hit me. He always said it was my fault for winding him up. I lived my life on edge. Always worrying that I was upsetting him and I was always trying to keep the peace. I remember often feeling upset and depressed and many times I packed my car up to go home. I always came back he had a kind of hold on me.
Things seemed to get worse when I was pregnant with by daughter. He used to tell me that all my friends hated me and talked about me behind my back and he knew a number of my ex boyfriends and they had all told him that I was crazy. He made me feel useless and that this was my life and I needed to get on with it for the sake of my family. My daughter was due to be born on my birthday. That night he went out and didn’t come home. I was scared and went home to my parents for the night as I was worried that I might come into labour.
My daughter didn’t want to be born and I had to be induced. I was very apprehensive and I remember it had been raining and I put my bag on the floor, I remember him screaming at me and making me cry on the way to the hospital. I also remember when I was in labour he said “come on don’t be lazy”. Those words really hurt and the nurses were shocked at his words.
After my daughter was born. It was all go. The only problem was I was the only one doing all the work. If I nipped into town shopping and left my daughter with my ex he used to telephone me and say hurry up I want to go out, We used to have an arrangement at the weekend that we would take turns to get up with my daughter. When it was his turn to lie in he used to roll down at mid day then get dressed and go out with his friends. When it was my turn to lie in. I would hear him crashing about down stairs sand shouting, “the scruffy bitch, look at the mess you have left”. He would make so much noise that I would get up as I knew I was in for a shouting at and I wanted to get it over with. Life continued this way. I was miserable and went back to work 3 months after my daughter was born as I was training to be a solicitor and could only have that length of time off. I worked 3 days a week.
When I was working and my ex looked after my daughter I used to come home to a load of abuse that he had had a busy day and needed a rest so I made the tea, bathed my daughter and put her to bed. When it was my turn to look after my daughter. He used or come home and say “what have you been doing all day?” So I used to make the tea, bath my daughter and put her to bed. Life was hard but when my daughter was 6 months old I found out I was pregnant with my son.
After my son was born life got worse with my ex. I remember one occasion when I had just come out of hospital after giving birth he put his hands around my throat and tried to strangle me while I was in the bath. Another time I had my son in my arms and he hit me. I remember him pushing me downstairs once and I ended up at casualty as I thought he had broken my collarbone. He also ripped the telephone wire out once her was drunk when I tried to ring my mum. I loved my children more that the world but I realised I was stuck in a situation that there was no way out. My partner was never sorry for the violence and put downs. It was always my fault. I never got the flowers after the violence, I was just made to feel crazy and inferior. I didn’t tell anyone as I was terribly ashamed that I was allowing someone to treat me this way. I was also ashamed that I was a solicitor and how could I let this happen. He also made me feel inferior about my job. He always said I wasn’t a proper solicitor as I only acted in the selling of houses and didn’t go to court. It was a big achievement but he didn’t like me to be in a better job than him.
I always used to think he has done everything to me the only thing he hadn’t done that I knew was cheat on me. It sounded stupid and I don’t think most people would understand, I wanted him to cheat on me so I could finally leave him. That wish come true a couple of weeks before my son was 1. It was a Thursday night. My ex had gone out again. He rolled in in the early hours. I went down stairs in the morning and he was lying on the floor in the front room lying in his own urine. His phone was next to him and there was a message from “Jack” saying “ don’t ring me now it’s the middle of the night speak to you tomorrow xxxx”. I found that odd, why would Jack end a text with some kisses. So I rang the number and I was a girl I knew.
I was in a blur. I took the children to nursery and went to work. About lunch time I went home picked the children up and went to my parents and rang him and told him to go. That was it my wish had come true,
I will update the split up and life after in another future blog if it hasn’t bored you to death.
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