I have been agonising as to whether I should write this post.  You wouldn’t understand who I am and why I am going through hell if I didn’t go into this.

I  will start at the beginning.  I had my children in my 30’s and while I was still with my abusive ex.  I also only left 15 months between the birth of my daughter and son. I had very little help from my ex and I will go into his behaviour at a later date.  I left and went to live on my own when my son was 1 and my daughter was 2.  I didn’t want to live like I was anymore.  I suffered domestic violence physically and mentally and I was a complete mess.  I didn’t want my children to grow up in a violent household.

My daughter has always wanted to be the centre of attention and when they were small my son had to stay in the cot crying while I attended to my daughter.  As she got older she was exactly the same. When It was someone else’s birthday she always spoilt it as the attention wasn’t on her.  We always put up with this and didn’t really see it as an issue but an annoyance.

I was on my own with the children for 6 years and when I finally found a boyfriend my daughter did every thing she could to split us up.  I had a number of failed relationships and my daughter was an issue.  I also picked the same kind of people to be in a relationship with,  the same type of people it was as if I was drawn to bad boys.  Men with baggage who didn’t treat me very well.

Over the years my daughter has been violent but the outbreaks were few and far between,  she had hit me a few times and even trapped my arm in the door.  It all brought back memories of her abusive dad and I hoped by leaving him early she wouldn’t follow his traits.  I never hit back as I don’t believe that violence solves anything.  The next morning she used to say “ can we forget it “ and for an easy life I did as I loved my daughter dearly and believed she didn’t mean it,  I blamed hormones, fights with her friend and pressures of school.  I was also ashamed that I let my daughter treat me this way.  I also tried my best to give her everything I could to make her happy, even if I didn’t have the money to do so.  I know looking back I was wrong, but it’s easy to say that looking in from the outside.  I just did what I could as a mum looking after two children on my own and working full time.

Finally I met my present partner who loves me with all his heart and would do anything for me and all of my family,  Things were great at first. I believe both my children like him a lot and I know he feels the same.  I think my daughter believed her nose was being pushed out and she wasn’t getting all the attention she believed she deserved. Over the last few months she has been verbally and physically abusive to the extent when she kicked off one night I called the police. She had hit me and poured water all over my iPad.  I felt ashamed and upset.  I was heart broken that I had to resort to this.  I felt the worst mother in the world.

That evening she sent me a text  saying she is getting mad all the time and needed help. She said she was always falling out with people and wanted to see the doctor,  and begged me to take her to the doctors,  I felt encouraged that she as was asking for help and immediately forgave her.  I took her to the doctors the next day and she was totally different to the night before she said she only said it to get her off being in trouble and said there was nothing wrong with her.  The doctor said he thought her exams may be stressing her out and he would give her a new contraceptive pill as that had helped in the past.  I was furious.  After that things went from bad to worst.

She only spoke to me when she wanted something.  Purposely left her things and dirty food plates lying around the house. She picked arguments with everything I said.  She called me horrendous names. I think the fact that I wasn’t agreeing to everything she wanted, actually saying no and not letting her get her own way was the catalyst to further bad behaviour,  she smashed items around the house that belonged to me and spoke to me like rubbish.  In fact home life was a nightmare and it was like we were walking on egg shells as to whether she would blow.  The final straw came when I was offered an operation for my bulging disc in my back.

After I came out of hospital her behaviour was terrible she said after one argument “ I am having my exams and I am supposed to get attention not you for your back”.  It couldn’t go on and one night she threw a glass of water over me and my partner while we were in bed.  She knew she was in trouble and went to live at her Dads. I believe he hasn’t helped with the situation and instead of talking to her and saying her behaviour was unacceptable.  He became very hostile and has ridiculed me and called me in front of her.  I believe this is a power thing as far as he is concerned.  He said the reason that she behaved the way she did is down to my failings.  I believe that she has inherited her fathers narcissist tendencies and his verbal abuse and the problem wasn’t all down to me. There is no point arguing with either of them.

No matter what she has done she is my daughter and I love her and all of this breaks my heart.  I have tried to contact her and tell her I love her.  It falls on deaf ears.  If I am nice they both see it as weakness.  I can not win.  I know we couldn’t have gone on as we had so I hope she realises what I have done for her in her life and we can get back on track.  Maybe a bit of space will do us good.  I can’t disown her I would never do. My heart breaks every day and I also cry every day but I hope she comes to her senses and we can be friends again in the future.